About Paul Elmore
Hi. I'm Paul.
I'm a counselor in Portland, OR, specializing in Sexual Abuse Recovery and Sexual Addiction. You can find out more about my education and experience here.
What Is Your Manifesto
What Is Your Manifesto?
What are the things you so believe in that you are willing to put pen and ink to them and declare them to the world?
What are the things you can’t help not talk about?
What are you willing to be known for, brazenly and unapologetically?
What is your personal manifesto?
I Dare You
Write your manifesto.
Send it to me.
I’ll publish it.
And come what may.
So say we all.
Why “Suck It Up” Doesn’t Work With Your Wife
Transcript Of Video
Alright guys. You’re gonna hate this one.
I know you’re not going to like this topic, but it’s a pretty important one. Because, if you don’t get this dialed in, any relationship you have with you wife or girlfriend will be kind of messed up.
We’re talking about empathy. We’re talking about…
How A Counselor Will Help You Process Traumatic Events
If you are an abuse survivor, you’re probably familiar with the feeling of being frozen with fear.
Getting unstuck when that feeling overwhelms you is one of the first steps in recovery.
The following video is a quick explanation of what happens when you get frozen and how a trauma therapist will help you process through that experience.
Transcript Of The Video
For trauma victims, normal, everyday life isn’t just normal everyday life.
Imagine you’re walking down the street and enjoying the scenery.
You notice the grass, the signs, the buildings… you’re enjoying the weather and you’re not thinking of anything specific.
Suddenly, you’re aware of a scary person you hadn’t noticed before.
You stop…
Women—7 Reason Your Marriage Is In Crisis
A week or so ago, I wrote about the 7 things men do to contribute to their marriage crisis.
Ladies, now it’s your turn.
Because of how you’re wired, you bring your own unique dynamics to a relationship in crisis.
You may not have all of these, but chances are, if your marriage is in a really bad place right now, you’ve been guilty of one or two of these things.
Ready? Here we go…
1. You Say Mean Things
Women, when you are hurt or scared, you say things to your husband that he would never consider saying to you.
You probably don’t know it, but one of the most common weapons a wife uses against her husband is to attack his character—who he is as a person.
Here’s some of the more common things I’ve heard women say to men while sitting in my office:
- “You’re acting childish.”
- “Grow up.”
- “When are you going to start acting like a man?”
- “Why don’t you grow a pair.”
- “You’re the only man who …”
These comments have a way of cutting a man so deeply that, often times, it is hard for him to recover.
Once your husband is in that place…
The 3 Essential Tools To Fixing Your Marriage Crisis
When your marriage is in crisis, everything is overwhelming.
Your home, which is supposed to be a safe place, has been turned into a battle zone. You’re doing everything you can just to keep your head above water, but you’re not sure how much longer you can stay afloat.
When your relationship in this place, both you and your spouse will start resorting to more and more desperate measures to get your needs met.
You’ll start fighting about how you’re fighting. You’ll bring up past mistakes from 15 years ago. You’ll start finding flaws in anything and everything the other person is doing.
If you’re wanting things to get better, there are three essential tools both of you are going to need to learn how to use.
Tool #1—Stop Focusing On Everything Your Spouse Is Doing Wrong
Yes, you spouse is making mistakes. Yes, you have legitamate complaints about what they’re doing.
But, when you stop and think about it, is there anything you can really do to make them change?
Not really.
Your spouse has to want to change before they’re going to accept input and critique from you. They have to be open and receptive instead of closed off, protective, and defensive.
Men—7 Reasons Why Your Marriage Is In Crisis
Gentlemen. Marriage crisis doesn’t just happen.
It becomes a crisis when the important things are missed.
This is your wake up call.
Some of this stuff you arent’ going to like. Some of this stuff is going to be hard to hear.
(And, NO, I’m not going to play fairsies and point out all the stuff she’s doing to mess up the marriage as well. I’ll do that later).
This is about you right now—the things you have done to contribute to the mess. This is your half and the things you’re responsible for.
These are the answers to that huge “How did things end up like this” question you’ve had in your head for the last 6 months.
This is why your marriage is in crisis
1. The relationship stuff isn’t a priority to you
You’ve got a limited amount of energy and attention to give. Chances are, you spend more time trying to be better at your job, at your hobby, at your sport, than you do at your marriage.
You put more thought and intention into getting better at the tasks of life rather than the relationships with your wife.
What The Spider In My Bath Towel Taught Me About Trauma
6 months ago, while drying off after taking my morning shower, I noticed something fall out of the towel that I was using to dry my hair and face.
When I looked down, I saw a large… red… thick… hairy spider sitting in the bottom of the tub.
After screaming like a girl (and making sure he didn’t have a brother hanging out with him in the towel) I finished drying off and grabbed my camera. (Yep… that’s the actual spider in the picture. I put the razor next to him for size comparison.)
For the rest of the day, I had a serious case of the heebie jeebies, and it felt like I had little hairy legs crawling up and down my neck.
That’s Not The Worst Part
That morning was definitely not a gold star type of morning.
Painful Feelings Won’t Last Forever
Fear, depression, sadness, loneliness, anger… when you’re in the middle of painful or uncomfortable feelings it can feel like they will last forever.
In fact, when you do fear that those painful emotions will last forever you may avoid moving through them.
That avoidance is what makes those painful feelings last much longer than they normally would.
This video talks about how to understand those painful feelings and how to give yourself permission to move through them in the best way possible.
A New Therapeutic Technique
I want all of my current and future clients to know that I am always looking for new and more effective therapeutic techniques to help you on your journey.
I came across this approach the other day and think it might be useful.
Let me know what you think.
Understanding Unwanted Bodily Sensations
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
If you are a trauma victim you have had to deal with a wide variety of bodily sensations and reactions.
Instant feelings of anxiety, panic… tight chests, headaches, stomach aches, sweating, etc… all of these can be strange and upsetting.
Unwanted sexual responses can be especially uncomfortable and highly confusing.
Why does this happen?
This is the most common question asked, second only to “How do I make them stop.”
The other day I came across a wonderful story that explains how bodily sensations become connected to events and experiences. I put the story in a quick podcast episode and then explained how it relates to your physical reactions.
The podcast is under 5 minutes, so take just a moment and learn why your body does what it does.
Enjoy.
