If you have a teen age daughter you’re going to have conflict. It’s what you do AFTER the conflict that will determine the quality of relationship you have with her.

I made a quick video yesterday talking about this issue. Take a look and then tell me what you think.

My 14 year old son just told my 8 year old son that he can’t watch TV with him and the middle brother.

Understandably, the youngest came to me complaining about the decision.

My Bad—Assuming The Worst

At first, I was frustrated. My thoughts were, “here’s just one more time when the older one is picking on the younger one.”

In reality, when I sat back and started listening to the situation I realized that my 14 year old is actually trying to protect my youngest, because the content of the show was inappropriate.

His intentions are good, but his execution is poor.

Just telling an 8 year old he can’t do something will always end in a fight. Telling him why is just as important so he can understand.

How We Do Things Matter

I wanted my oldest to be affirmed in his decision. I wanted him to know that I appreciate his care for his younger brother. I wanted him to know that I recognized his good intentions.

I also wanted to reinforce the idea that HOW he treats his brother when his intentions are good is important as well.

It’s not natural for a 14 year old boy to think about how other people feel—especially his brother. But, if he can get this concept incorporated early into his life paradigm, I believe he will have a greater chance of impacting his world for good.

It’s never too early to teach spiritual living to your kids.

I heard on the radio yesterday some tips on things to do to improve your relationship with your child.

• Go outside and watch falling stars
• Start collecting something together
• Take a walk together and talk about what’s important to them.

Really. This is what they suggested.

Wake Up To Real Life

Now all those things might be great, especially if you lived 50 years ago out in the country. But that’s not where I live now.

Try these things instead:

• Play Sonic the Hedgehog or Halo with your kids for 2 hours—and actually TRY to win (its harder than you think)
• Watch their favorite TV show with them—even if it has the words Sponge and Bob in the title
• Do their homework for them (especially if they are in Algebra II)

Get into their real world. See the world through their eyes. Be with them where they are at.

As you spend time with them, you start to gain their attention. Your ideas and requests will have greater weight, which will let you actually shape their growth and direction.

Related Articles

How To Make Your Child Feel Loved

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Its not enough to tell you children that you love them. They need to FEEL loved. They need to experience being loved. They need to know deep down, inherently, that they are worth something. They need to know that they are wanted.

How Do You Do That?

Steve Donaldson, a counselor here in Portland puts it this way:

“The love, acceptance, and approval a child needs, is rarely communicated verbally. The child develops a sense of himself by how he is treated by his parents.

The language of children is a language of facial expression, eye contact, focused attention, voice tone, and touch to name a few.

The child’s sense of self (who he is) is formed by the reflection he sees in his parent’s eyes.

Do the parent’s eyes tell the child that he is good and desirable or do they communicate to him that he is a burden or only acceptable if he performs in a certain way?

Do the facial expression and vice tone communicate that his is loved because he exists as a special and separate being, or do they communicate that his opinion, and preferences are only valued to the extent that they conform with and affirm the parent or the family system?”

Now What

When talking with your child, get down on his or her level. Get eye to eye. Don’t be distracted by all the other daily things. Take 20 seconds, actually listen to your kid, let your face show that you are listening, and see what happens.

In the 1960′s & 70′s Stanford came up with a great little test about delayed gratification. They took a whole bunch of 4 year olds, put a marshmallow in front of them, and watched how long they could go without eating it. The video below is a recreation of that test and is fun to watch.

After you watch the video I’ll tell you how to determine how successful your kids will be in life.

Test Your Own Kids

Take a marshmallow or cookie or something tasty that they really like and recreate the experiment. Tell them that they will get two of whatevers if they wait.

If you can, put them somewhere where you can see them but they can’t see you. And then watch what they do.

The Results

Stanford followed the kids from 1972 all the way through college and found out that those who are able to delay gratification longer ended up being better adjusted, more dependable, and, as high school students, scored significantly greater grades in the Collegiate Scholastic Aptitude Test.

Teach Your Kids

All kids have a hard time with delayed gratification. The good news is YOU CAN TEACH IT TO THEM. Delayed gratification is one of the best skills anyone can learn. (How well do you do by the way?).

If you son or daughter can make it 5 minutes the first time, then play the game the next day and make him wait 6 minutes, then 7 the next day, and 8 the next, etc… until you build that internal resilience within them. Make it a game. Don’t be boring or heavy handed. When they know that eventually they will get what they want they’ll be able to practice better self control and self discipline starting at a very young age.

I came across this article today from Jeffrey Bernstein on ways dads can better discipline their kids. If you like the quote below, then make sure to read the rest of the article.

Before you can discipline your child effectively, you must first have the self-discipline to understand your child. Understanding your child is just as important, if not more important, than loving him or her.

If you’re the parent of a under-one year old then I know you’re pretty tired. But I had forgotten just how tiring it could be. If you’re not a parent, or past this stage, watch this two minute video to get a little reminder.

A Life Of Learning

A 9 month old’s brain doesn’t process the same as an adult’s brain. They don’t use reason or thought or cause and effect or actions and consequences. Infants get lost in the moment. Their entire world in summed up by what is right in front of them.

Infants don’t care about what I’m thinking about as a parent. They don’t care about the mess they are making. They don’t worry about how dirty things are or how they look. They just enjoy. They savor. They experience.

I miss my kids being this age. I wish that I knew then what I know now about child development so that I didn’t miss the learning opportunities myself.

If you are fortunate enough to have a little one like this, please see all the things that they do that make us tired, frustrated, confused, and worn out as beautiful little moments of their world growing and expanding. Give them every opportunity to experience their world to the fullest.

And if you get too tired, send them over to grandma’s house.

Enjoy!

Paul