About Paul Elmore
Hi. I'm Paul.
I'm a counselor in Portland, OR, specializing in Sexual Abuse Recovery and Sexual Addiction. You can find out more about my education and experience here.
Resources
How A Counselor Will Help You Process Traumatic Events
If you are an abuse survivor, you’re probably familiar with the feeling of being frozen with fear.
Getting unstuck when that feeling overwhelms you is one of the first steps in recovery.
The following video is a quick explanation of what happens when you get frozen and how a trauma therapist will help you process through that experience.
Transcript Of The Video
For trauma victims, normal, everyday life isn’t just normal everyday life.
Imagine you’re walking down the street and enjoying the scenery.
You notice the grass, the signs, the buildings… you’re enjoying the weather and you’re not thinking of anything specific.
Suddenly, you’re aware of a scary person you hadn’t noticed before.
You stop…
Video—Why Sex Offenders Should NOT Be Shamed
Does shame really change a person?
Shouldn’t rapists, pedophiles, abusers, bullies, thugs, and adulterers be shamed?
If they aren’t shamed, are they avoiding the natural consequences of their choices?
Brené Brown Video
Brené Brown, one of the best researchers on shame and vulnerability, has a refreshing approach to understanding shame and those that commit painful crimes.
Some Thoughts To Listen For
- “Shame is far more likely to cause bad behaviors than to cure it.”
- “Shame corrodes the part of us that believes that we can change.”
- “It’s like saying, ‘You’re horrible and worthless and incapable of changing. Now get better.’”
- “When people apologize, the motivator of that is guilt, not shame.”
Sharing & Comments
I know that there are some that will disagree with this post. I would welcome your thoughts and opinions on this difficult topic, as well as your feedback on Brené Brown’s perspective.
If you think others might benefit from this conversation, please click the ‘Like’ button or retweet. Thanks.
Top 5 Therapeutic Movies (For Now)
Sometimes seeing a principle of life played out in a story is much easier than trying to explain it to a client. So I have a long list of movies that I tend to recommend. Here is my top 5 list. Enjoy.
Chocolat—Healthy Life Perspective
Chocolat was not what I expected. It looked like a typical romantic movie—something good to watch with the wife on a Friday night after the kids are in bed. Instead, it is a movie about being present, living life—not just doing life, and truly connecting with other imperfect people.
If you’re not sure what it looks like to love others well—especially others that are difficult to love—Chocolat will give you a wonderful example. Not everyone will see it. You will need to be watching for it. But it is one of the better parts of the movie.
Most surprisingly, Chocolat redefined church for me. (If you’re curious as to what I mean, leave me a comment and I’ll tell you more.)
GoodWill Hunting—The Importance Of Knowing Your Story
This is, admittedly, a therapist movie. Robin Williams seems to play these type of parts well (which makes me wonder more about his personal story).
I’m drawn to this movie for two reasons. First, it shows how one wounded person can be a healing agent to another wounded person. The therapist in the movie is not perfect. He is still still working through, his story. But he’s aware of how it impacts him and how he relates to others because of it. Which leads to the second reason I like GoodWill Hunting.
Will Hunting is IQ smart but self-aware dumb. He has perfected his facade and most people buy it. Unfortunately. It isn’t until someone calls him on his crap, is willing to stand toe-to-toe with his offensive behavior, and still offer unconditional acceptance does he start to change.
Lars And The Real Girl—Grieving
Probably the most surprising movie on the list today. What would make someone even consider writing this movie is beyond me, but I’m sure glad they did.
When the previews came out about a man dating a blow up doll, I quickly dismissed it. Now that I think about it, I’m not even sure why I decided to watch it. But I’m glad I did.
Most people don’t know how to help someone while they are grieving. They do unhelpful things and say really stupid comments, all in an attempt to provide comfort. Lars’ family and friends do just the opposite. Even though they are fumbling through the process themselves, and they are asked to do some fairly odds things, they recognize that it is part of the healing process for one they love. And so they do what they need to do.
The next time I teach a class on grieving, I think all we’re going to do it watch this movie and then discuss it after wards.
Dead Poets Society—Carpe Diem And Truly Living
I wish that every high school student would watch this movie before going off to college.
I believe that we are called to live life to the fullest—to engage with people and places and experiences in life. But too often our fears get in the way. Our perspectives get skewed. We focus on things that really don’t matter and miss the things that do. We are told to conform, to fit in, to sacrifice ourselves—our inner selves—to maintain some false level of perceived safety. And it cost us dearly.
Even though I’ll deny it if you tell anyone, I cry at the end of this movie almost every time. “Oh Captain my captain!”
Horse Whisperer—Trauma And The Recovery Process
When people ask what I do for a living, and I tell them I’m a trauma therapist, I’m still not sure they understand what I do. That’s when I tell them to watch this movie.
The Horse Whisperer works on many levels. It shows how trauma plays out in the lives of young woman, her family, and those around her. It shows that just ignoring the problems won’t make them go away and that talking about and working through the scary stuff is necessary to bring healing. It shows what letting go of control looks like for someone that needs it to feel safe and secure. It shows what a good therapist looks like and that some of the best therapist don’t even have an office or a title.
As a quick disclaimer—there are a few themes in the movie that I don’t agree with or encourage. I guess nothing is perfect.
Your Movie Suggestions
I’m always looking for more great movies. If you have a slam dunk that I need to watch, please leave a comment and tell me why you like it so much.
Video—What’s Virgin Mean
After the last few weeks of talking to kids and parents about sex, I found this video to be pleasantly refreshing. For those who are parents, you will probably be able to appreciate the innocence of this video.
P.S. This is a safe and appropriate video for most audiences. Really.
Cool Brain Stuff And Living In The Moment
It isn’t always easy to be living in the moment. We get distracted with the concerns of everyday life and responsibilities. But wouldn’t be cool if we could see what’s going on inside our brain while we worry about all that stuff. Jill Bolte Taylor had just that type of experience.
Video—Drum Lessons
My son, Sam, is learning how to play the drums. He’s getting pretty good at it but still has a way to go before he’s ready to go on tour. I decided to bring along the video camera and record some thoughts while he was playing.
This is the first video I’ve posted. As I’m just getting started, consider being one of the first to subscribe to my YouTube channel here.
High School Romance 101
Will Your Teen Make Good Sexual Decisions?
Sexting, Pornography, Oral sex, Hooking up… Every day teens have to make significant sexual decisions that will impact them for years to come. The pressure from friends and media can be overwhelming and confusing as teens start to develop their own values and beliefs about sex.
As parents, you want your teens to understand the consequences of sexual activity before they experience them but getting teens to talk openly about their sexual choices is easier said than done.
HSR101 is a down-to-earth conversation with teens and parents where they can talk openly and realistically about sex and relationships. The class will:
- Provide a place where teens hear what their friends really think about sex.
- Help teens and parents understand why they make sexual decisions
- Help boys understand what girls want and help girls understand what boys want in a relationship.
- Explain the practical consequences to common sexual choices like porn, sexting, oral sex, and hooking up.
“This Class Is Different”
Instead of being one more random adult that tells teenagers what to think, this class gives teens a chance to share THEIR thoughts and feelings about sex in a safe and age-appropriate way, where they won’t feel judged or criticized.
This is done through an anonymous written survey where each student can share their personal beliefs or experiences regarding sex. Most questions are yes/no, multiple choice, or rate-on-a-scale questions with an additional section where they can ask any question they want about sex, sexual activity, or relationships.
This information is then gathered and organized into a second presentation (usually given the following week) where the results of the survey are shared and the natural consequences and impact of those choices and beliefs are discussed with the students.
Parents Q&A
A third session is offered in the evening for parents to hear the same information as the students as well as discuss healthy ways to help your teen establish their own sexual value system. A time of Q& A will be offered for any specific topics or issues you may have.
Topics Commonly Covered
- What different types of physical touching communicates.
- What boys really think about sex.
- What girls really think about sex.
- Why sex always changes our relationships.
- What does sexual activity have to do with God?
- The legal consequences of some “sexual games”.
Schedule
In December I finished up this series at Damascus Christian School. If you would like to schedule this class for your group, please give me a call at 503-863-4074.
My Top 5 Parenting Books
It seems that I’ve been talking about parenting lately with many of my clients and giving them recommendations on good books to read. So, naturally, it seems like a good idea to share with you what those books are. Here are my Top Five Parenting Books.
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk—Adele Faber and Elaine Mazish
Yes, this book is plenty old being published in the 80′s but it is still gold. What I appreciate so much is the emphasis on trying to understand how your kids process information so that we, as parents, can adjust ourselves and reduce our kids frustration level.
Siblings Without Rivalry—Adele Faber and Elaine Mazish
Another older book with really bad cartoons but excellent info. If you have multiple kids and you’re tired of watching the fight and bicker then its time to read this book.
Parenting With Love and Logic—Foster Cline and Jim Faye
This book is probably one of the essentials for parenting. They emphasize letting kids learn through consequences instead of parents having to force their children into obedience. Once you understand the philosophy and see it at work, you’ll never want to go back to power struggles or passive parenting. For those with teens, they also have Parenting Teens With Love and Logic.
Trauma-proofing Your Kids—Peter Levine and Maggie Kline
Not really a parenting technique book but more of a “How to” book on helping your children move through the difficult and scary parts of being a kid. It shows you how a child perceives troubling situations and what parents can do to provide valuable comfort and care so that your kids won’t carry on the emotional damage. The second half of the book provides case-specific scenarios like helping kids deal with divorce, medical trauma, death of someone close, or abuse issues.
Parenting From The Inside Out—Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
All of our parenting comes from our stories. The better we understand that story, the better parents we can be. The strongest piece of this book is the information on attachment, both as children and as adults. It also addresses the importance of being present, both physically and emotionally, and how to start developing “Mindsight”. (When I start teaching a parenting series, this is what I’ll be teaching. Its that good.)
Video: How To Live In The Moment
Imagine what it would be like discovering the world around you moment by moment. We too often get lost in our heads, assuming we know more about the world than we truly do, that we miss the subtle things like sounds, and smells, and the feel of the moments we are in.
Watch this video and see the world through the eyes of blind girl discovering her world.
