About Paul Elmore
Hi. I'm Paul.
I'm a counselor in Portland, OR, specializing in Sexual Abuse Recovery and Sexual Addiction. You can find out more about my education and experience here.
The Therapeutic Process
The Three Most Common Responses To Trauma
When we think of life-threatening situations, we often hear about two common responses—Fight or flight. But what is less commonly known is the third response. called the freeze.
Fight
The other night my family and I were watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. It was around Halloween so they were running through all the trick-or-treat clips. In one of the clips it showed a group of people slowly approaching the front porch of an old farmhouse. Sitting in a rocking chair, not moving a muscle, is a scarecrow holding the large bowl of candy. We, the viewers, know what is coming but one man in the group wasn’t quite sure if the scarecrow was a dummy or a real person.
Ever so slowly, the man approaches the bowl… starts to stretch out his hand… grabs a piece of candy… BOO!
The scarecrow jumps up and scares the crowd.
But that’s not the funny part.
Because the man, without any thought or reasoning, automatically throws his right fist straight into the face of the scarecrow knocking him completely over.
Laugh your butt off funny (because it wasn’t you getting scared or getting punched in the face).
The man’s actions are a natural and reasonable response to being afraid. If it seems there that there is a good chance that a person will win a fight, then aggression becomes the logical form of defense. The fight response is not thought out. It just happens. Our deep, internal brains take an assessment of the situation and make a split-second decision. Sometimes, that decision is to fight.
Flight
One of the all time classic movies is The Princess Bride. If you’re on a college campus, its almost a requirement to be able to quote most of the lines from the movie.
Remember the scene near the end of the movie, just after Wesley and Inigo have gotten into the castle to rescue Princess Buttercup, where Count Rugen and Inigo meet each other for the first time face to face.
They square off in the corridor, each assuming their chosen fighting stance. We, the audience, are ready for the revenge battle scene.
And then Count Rugen turns and runs away. He just runs away.
When someone is faced with a situation that they don’t feel they can win, then the flight response becomes the most natural defense to take. Again, this choice is not usually thought out. It is a gut response that happens naturally and intuitively.
Freeze?
Most people are not aware of the third most common response when we are faced with an overwhelming situation—the Freeze response. Sometimes, the goal isn’t to win. Sometimes the goal is just to survive no matter how you get there. “The object is to stay alive until the danger is past and deal with the consequences later. “ Peter Levine
Because the Freeze response appears to be passive and inactive people feel very ashamed or self critical. In the animal world, when an animal plays dead in order to be as uninteresting to the predator, they don’t feel ashamed, weak or inadequate. And neither should we.
Because the Freeze response is so common and carries such potential shame, I’m going to devote an entire post to explaining why we respond that way.
Finding Your Eigthteenth Camel
There once was a man who died. When he died he left his 17 camels to his three sons.
The first son was to receive 1/2 of the camels.
The second son was to receive 1/3 of the camels.
The fourth son was to receive 1/9 of the camels.
Now the sons pondered and pondered how to divide the camels according to their father’s wishes. Because you can’t divide 17 camels in half, in thirds, or in ninths. Their debating went on day and night for many days.
Finally, after quarreling for some time, they decided to visit a wise old woman. They told her their story and she went away to think about it. Shortly, she returned and told them that she did not know the answer but that she had a camel that they could have.
Now there were 18 camels.
The first son was able to take his rightful half and go home with 9 camels.
The second son was able to take his rightful third and go home with 6 camels.
The third son was able to take his rightful ninth and go home with 2 camels.
Since that left one camel unclaimed, the sons returned the old woman her camel and all was well in their family.
What change of perspective do you need in order to find a solution to your problems?
Video—Drum Lessons
My son, Sam, is learning how to play the drums. He’s getting pretty good at it but still has a way to go before he’s ready to go on tour. I decided to bring along the video camera and record some thoughts while he was playing.
This is the first video I’ve posted. As I’m just getting started, consider being one of the first to subscribe to my YouTube channel here.
Video: What Is Your Perspective?
Stacey Kramer describes how an unexpected event in her life gave her gifts she could ever imagine. Enjoy this TED Talk.
What is EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitization And Reprocessing
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a specialized and effective tool for processing Traumatic events and responses. It has been highly therapeutic in treating PTSD, depression, phobias and unwanted somatic responses. Paul can explain the benefits of using such a tool, how it has helped many previous clients, and how it may help you.
EMDR Explained
“Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories” (Shapiro). “EMDR facilitates the accessing of the traumatic memory network, so that information processing is enhanced, with new associations forged between the traumatic memory and more adaptive memories or information. These new associations are thought to result in complete information processing, new learning, elimination of emotional distress, and development of cognitive insights.” More information and Sources.
Efficacy And Validation
Is EMDR Efffective? The short answer is ‘YES’. There are many studies which validate it’s effectiveness. “The Department of Defense/Department of Veterans Affairs Practice Guidlines have placed EMDR in the highest category, recommended for all trauma populations at all times. ” More information.
One More Reason Why Counseling Works
Today I was talking with my wife about an issue I am wanting to work on. It is a big issue and one that I’m not particularly looking forward to working on. It is going to be hard and vulnerable and not a lot of fun. But, it is going to be important to do.
Next, I was wondering, “When should I start working on it?” I know its going to be hard and messy so I start thinking about all the things I don’t want disturb by being messy.
“Today is not a good day because I need to be available for the kids.”
“Tomorrow I’ve got to work so that’s not a good day.”
“The next day I have that thing to go to.”
“Next week I’ve got that other thing.”
Before I know it, I’ve gone 3 months and haven’t even started working on my stuff.
Counseling is a way to combat the procrastination that keeps each of us from getting healthy. When we have a place that is scheduled to be messy it helps us stay focused on the task that needs to get done. In a counseling office you don’t have to worry about the kids, or work, or dinner, or any of the other million things competing for out attention. The focus is on you. Finally.
Children of Addicts
Children of Addiction are 4 times more likely to be sexually abused. They are prime for victimization as they…
- are often starving for attention.
- are less apt to speak up because of fear of not being believed.
- give others the benefit of the doubt.
- don’t trust their own perceptions.
- don’t know what they feel and can’t use feelings as cues and signals.
- are confused about appropriate boundaries.
- experience shame upon which fuels powerlessness.
Claudia Black—It Will Never Happen To Me
How A Child Thinks
When a child is born into this world they are totally dependent. They need someone else to provide food, shelter, and attention. Children are also ego-centric. This means that they believe that they are the center of the universe and everything is about them. They truly believe that they are the cause of everything that happens around them. When you combine these two facts you start to understand how someone starts to see the world.
When the basic needs are not met in a child they do not have the capacity to understand that other circumstances might be responsible. Their ego-centricness causes them to believe that it is their fault—that they are the cause of their own pain. The common sense logic of a child then tells them that they are somehow flawed because they are not getting what they need. This belief that they are flawed is called Toxic Shame. Toxic Shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Shame can be carried for a life time and shape almost every aspect of a person’s life.
The Importance of Money In This Life
“Money is like gasoline during a road trip. You don’t want to run out of gas on your trip, but you’re not doing a tour of gas stations. You have to pay attention to money, but it shouldn’t be about the money.” Tim O’Reilly
Sock Eaters
I bought a new pair of shoes the other day thinking they were a good deal. They are my favorite brand, they fit nice, they look nice. But, after wearing them for only 20 minutes I found out that they eat my socks. Something about their design start to pull my socks down and stuff them into the shoe while I’m wearing them. By the end of the day 2/3 of my sock is bunched up around my toes.
Disappointment strikes in all areas of our lives. Be prepared.
