About Paul Elmore
Hi. I'm Paul.
I'm a counselor in Portland, OR, specializing in Sexual Abuse Recovery and Sexual Addiction. You can find out more about my education and experience here.
Topics & Issues
Why “Suck It Up” Doesn’t Work With Your Wife
Transcript Of Video
Alright guys. You’re gonna hate this one.
I know you’re not going to like this topic, but it’s a pretty important one. Because, if you don’t get this dialed in, any relationship you have with you wife or girlfriend will be kind of messed up.
We’re talking about empathy. We’re talking about…
How A Counselor Will Help You Process Traumatic Events
If you are an abuse survivor, you’re probably familiar with the feeling of being frozen with fear.
Getting unstuck when that feeling overwhelms you is one of the first steps in recovery.
The following video is a quick explanation of what happens when you get frozen and how a trauma therapist will help you process through that experience.
Transcript Of The Video
For trauma victims, normal, everyday life isn’t just normal everyday life.
Imagine you’re walking down the street and enjoying the scenery.
You notice the grass, the signs, the buildings… you’re enjoying the weather and you’re not thinking of anything specific.
Suddenly, you’re aware of a scary person you hadn’t noticed before.
You stop…
Women—7 Reason Your Marriage Is In Crisis
A week or so ago, I wrote about the 7 things men do to contribute to their marriage crisis.
Ladies, now it’s your turn.
Because of how you’re wired, you bring your own unique dynamics to a relationship in crisis.
You may not have all of these, but chances are, if your marriage is in a really bad place right now, you’ve been guilty of one or two of these things.
Ready? Here we go…
1. You Say Mean Things
Women, when you are hurt or scared, you say things to your husband that he would never consider saying to you.
You probably don’t know it, but one of the most common weapons a wife uses against her husband is to attack his character—who he is as a person.
Here’s some of the more common things I’ve heard women say to men while sitting in my office:
- “You’re acting childish.”
- “Grow up.”
- “When are you going to start acting like a man?”
- “Why don’t you grow a pair.”
- “You’re the only man who …”
These comments have a way of cutting a man so deeply that, often times, it is hard for him to recover.
Once your husband is in that place…
The 3 Essential Tools To Fixing Your Marriage Crisis
When your marriage is in crisis, everything is overwhelming.
Your home, which is supposed to be a safe place, has been turned into a battle zone. You’re doing everything you can just to keep your head above water, but you’re not sure how much longer you can stay afloat.
When your relationship in this place, both you and your spouse will start resorting to more and more desperate measures to get your needs met.
You’ll start fighting about how you’re fighting. You’ll bring up past mistakes from 15 years ago. You’ll start finding flaws in anything and everything the other person is doing.
If you’re wanting things to get better, there are three essential tools both of you are going to need to learn how to use.
Tool #1—Stop Focusing On Everything Your Spouse Is Doing Wrong
Yes, you spouse is making mistakes. Yes, you have legitamate complaints about what they’re doing.
But, when you stop and think about it, is there anything you can really do to make them change?
Not really.
Your spouse has to want to change before they’re going to accept input and critique from you. They have to be open and receptive instead of closed off, protective, and defensive.
Men—7 Reasons Why Your Marriage Is In Crisis
Gentlemen. Marriage crisis doesn’t just happen.
It becomes a crisis when the important things are missed.
This is your wake up call.
Some of this stuff you arent’ going to like. Some of this stuff is going to be hard to hear.
(And, NO, I’m not going to play fairsies and point out all the stuff she’s doing to mess up the marriage as well. I’ll do that later).
This is about you right now—the things you have done to contribute to the mess. This is your half and the things you’re responsible for.
These are the answers to that huge “How did things end up like this” question you’ve had in your head for the last 6 months.
This is why your marriage is in crisis
1. The relationship stuff isn’t a priority to you
You’ve got a limited amount of energy and attention to give. Chances are, you spend more time trying to be better at your job, at your hobby, at your sport, than you do at your marriage.
You put more thought and intention into getting better at the tasks of life rather than the relationships with your wife.
What The Spider In My Bath Towel Taught Me About Trauma
6 months ago, while drying off after taking my morning shower, I noticed something fall out of the towel that I was using to dry my hair and face.
When I looked down, I saw a large… red… thick… hairy spider sitting in the bottom of the tub.
After screaming like a girl (and making sure he didn’t have a brother hanging out with him in the towel) I finished drying off and grabbed my camera. (Yep… that’s the actual spider in the picture. I put the razor next to him for size comparison.)
For the rest of the day, I had a serious case of the heebie jeebies, and it felt like I had little hairy legs crawling up and down my neck.
That’s Not The Worst Part
That morning was definitely not a gold star type of morning.
Understanding Unwanted Bodily Sensations
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
If you are a trauma victim you have had to deal with a wide variety of bodily sensations and reactions.
Instant feelings of anxiety, panic… tight chests, headaches, stomach aches, sweating, etc… all of these can be strange and upsetting.
Unwanted sexual responses can be especially uncomfortable and highly confusing.
Why does this happen?
This is the most common question asked, second only to “How do I make them stop.”
The other day I came across a wonderful story that explains how bodily sensations become connected to events and experiences. I put the story in a quick podcast episode and then explained how it relates to your physical reactions.
The podcast is under 5 minutes, so take just a moment and learn why your body does what it does.
Enjoy.
How 3 Minutes Of Terror Shapes The Rest Of Your Life
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
In May of this year a tornado hit Joplin, Mo. A third of the town was destroyed and 162 people were killed.
While it takes only 5 months for surviving families to rebuild their homes and get back to “normal”, the psychological effects of those three minutes of terror will last a life time.
Most People Don’t Understand Truama
How can three minutes be that bad? Why can’t people just get over it? It’s not happening to you now—why can’t you just move on?
All of these are the common responses I hear from both family members and trauma survivors. Most don’t understand how trauma affects you or what it looks like when people are still trying to work things out.
The following audio clip is an NPR story of followup interviews with several of the families and children who survived the tornado. The story paints a very clear picture how people are still trying to work out their experience—especially children.
If You Are A Trauma Survivor
Whether you’re the victim of a natural disaster, physical abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse, the number one thing I hear from my trauma clients is, “I feel like I’m crazy”.
In this story, you’ll gain a much clearer understand of why you feel what you feel and why you’ve done what you’ve done in the years following your traumatic event.
In the 4 minute story, be listening for:
- How you as a child try to process things that are overwhelming and terrifying.
- How adults need to process their fear and feelings to be able to help you.
- The other types of problematic behaviors and coping mechanisms that come out of one traumatic event.
Click To Play
Please Share With Other Survivors
I believe this is important enough for every trauma survivor to hear. If you know someone who has experienced a traumatic event in their life that they are still wrestling with, please use the like button for Facebook or Twitter to share this story.
Sources: NPR
Doin’ What Needs To Be Done
In the last week, I’ve asked two different men at two different times, “How you doing with [insert personal issue here]?”
Both of them responded with, “Just doin’ what needs to be done.”
Not Answering The Question
When you think about it, that isn’t really an answer to my question.
Let’s imagine you’re moving a pile of bricks. When asked, “How you doing, moving that pile of bricks” I don’t need to be told, “This needs to be done, so I’m doing it.”
What I’m really asking is, “As you’re moving the pile of bricks, what’s your experience?”
- You can be ticked off because you have to move the bricks.
- You could be feeling a strong sense of accomplishment because the job’s getting done.
- You could be hurting because the job is hard work.
- You could be sad that you have to be moving the bricks alone and in the rain wearing no shoes and blind in one eye.
- You could be excited because moving bricks is your favorite thing in the world to do.
FYI Men
Gentlemen, you’re always doing more than just what needs to be done. Being able to explain your experience gives you depth. It makes you more attractive. It shows that you are a man of substance.
Connect with your own experience first, and then learn how to share it with others. It makes moving bricks much more tolerable.
