About Paul Elmore
Hi. I'm Paul.
I'm a counselor in Portland, OR, specializing in Sexual Abuse Recovery and Sexual Addiction. You can find out more about my education and experience here.
Couples & Marriage
Why “Suck It Up” Doesn’t Work With Your Wife
Transcript Of Video
Alright guys. You’re gonna hate this one.
I know you’re not going to like this topic, but it’s a pretty important one. Because, if you don’t get this dialed in, any relationship you have with you wife or girlfriend will be kind of messed up.
We’re talking about empathy. We’re talking about…
Women—7 Reason Your Marriage Is In Crisis
A week or so ago, I wrote about the 7 things men do to contribute to their marriage crisis.
Ladies, now it’s your turn.
Because of how you’re wired, you bring your own unique dynamics to a relationship in crisis.
You may not have all of these, but chances are, if your marriage is in a really bad place right now, you’ve been guilty of one or two of these things.
Ready? Here we go…
1. You Say Mean Things
Women, when you are hurt or scared, you say things to your husband that he would never consider saying to you.
You probably don’t know it, but one of the most common weapons a wife uses against her husband is to attack his character—who he is as a person.
Here’s some of the more common things I’ve heard women say to men while sitting in my office:
- “You’re acting childish.”
- “Grow up.”
- “When are you going to start acting like a man?”
- “Why don’t you grow a pair.”
- “You’re the only man who …”
These comments have a way of cutting a man so deeply that, often times, it is hard for him to recover.
Once your husband is in that place…
The 3 Essential Tools To Fixing Your Marriage Crisis
When your marriage is in crisis, everything is overwhelming.
Your home, which is supposed to be a safe place, has been turned into a battle zone. You’re doing everything you can just to keep your head above water, but you’re not sure how much longer you can stay afloat.
When your relationship in this place, both you and your spouse will start resorting to more and more desperate measures to get your needs met.
You’ll start fighting about how you’re fighting. You’ll bring up past mistakes from 15 years ago. You’ll start finding flaws in anything and everything the other person is doing.
If you’re wanting things to get better, there are three essential tools both of you are going to need to learn how to use.
Tool #1—Stop Focusing On Everything Your Spouse Is Doing Wrong
Yes, you spouse is making mistakes. Yes, you have legitamate complaints about what they’re doing.
But, when you stop and think about it, is there anything you can really do to make them change?
Not really.
Your spouse has to want to change before they’re going to accept input and critique from you. They have to be open and receptive instead of closed off, protective, and defensive.
Men—7 Reasons Why Your Marriage Is In Crisis
Gentlemen. Marriage crisis doesn’t just happen.
It becomes a crisis when the important things are missed.
This is your wake up call.
Some of this stuff you arent’ going to like. Some of this stuff is going to be hard to hear.
(And, NO, I’m not going to play fairsies and point out all the stuff she’s doing to mess up the marriage as well. I’ll do that later).
This is about you right now—the things you have done to contribute to the mess. This is your half and the things you’re responsible for.
These are the answers to that huge “How did things end up like this” question you’ve had in your head for the last 6 months.
This is why your marriage is in crisis
1. The relationship stuff isn’t a priority to you
You’ve got a limited amount of energy and attention to give. Chances are, you spend more time trying to be better at your job, at your hobby, at your sport, than you do at your marriage.
You put more thought and intention into getting better at the tasks of life rather than the relationships with your wife.
When Can A Christian Divorce?
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
The topic of divorce is not an easy one—especially within churches.
Admittedly, I have stayed away from the discussion because its one of those areas where you’re guaranteed to make someone mad no matter which position you take. And while I don’t mind sitting in a little conflict, I’m not really wanting to pick a fight.
That being said, I do believe that the church needs to come to a better understanding of how to treat individuals who are in really bad relationships.
Rob Bell’s Sermon On Marriage & Divorce
I was pleasantly surprised when I came across the following sermon from Rob Bell on Marriage and Divorce. I appreciate his approach because he acknowledges that the easy answers don’t always work. He treats the topic with compassion, discretion, and wisdom—things that I haven’t always heard come from a pulpit.
I hope you find it as helpful as I have.
Click The Arrow Below To Listen To The Audio
(P.S. I have obtained written permission from Mars Hill to republish this copyrighted material—just in case you’re wondering.)
How To Have Better Sex With Your Wife
I’ve been following Corey Allan from Simple Marriage for a short time now. He, and the other writers, have some great stuff to say about keeping a marriage healthy and vibrant.
Today, he was writing about one of men’s favorite topics—sex. Not necessarily how to get more sex, but how to have better sex—and specifically, how to please your wife sexually.
He lists out 5 specific things to improve your sexual relationship. I thought I’d tease you (sorry for the pun) with #3. I’d encourage you to read the entire post when you have a few minutes.
Number Three
Your confidence. Because women are by nature security-seeking creatures, a man’s confidence can be a major turn-on. When a man approaches a woman with confidence, she experiences the same chemical reaction in her brain (a release of both dopamine and norepinephrine) that a man experiences when a woman lifts up her shirt and shows him her breasts. And by “confidence,” I don’t mean “machismo.” I’m referring to the type of man who knows who he is (and who he isn’t). At the other end of the spectrum, men who are anxious, passive and eager to please exude anything but confidence. Looking for a surefire way to kill the passion in your marriage? Become the passive, conflict-avoiding, eager-to-please nice guy who only wants to make his wife “happy.”
How The First 6 Months Of Your Life Affects Your Marriage… Really!
We all know that there are lots and lots of things that determine if you’re going to have a good marriage. Today, I’d like to look at one aspect which doesn’t get talked about much—Attachment
Attachment Theory 101
In the first 6-8 months of life, you learned to connect on different levels to other human beings—primarily your parents. This happened on a deeply instinctual level and is not something you chose to do. You just did it. Here’s how it works.
When you cried or expresses a need, your parent had a couple of options on how to respond:
- They could compassionately meet your need by comforting, changing, protecting, or feeding you. If they did this easily and confidently then you learned that the world will meet your needs and you become securely attached.
- They could meet your needs physically but do it with a level of anxiousness and fear. If this was their attitude, then you become anxiously attached.
- They could ignore you all together. If this happened, you learned not to connect to anyone emotionally and that no one will meet your needs. You learned you’re on your own and became avoidant attached.
Yes, I know… there is more to attachment theory. This is just a quick fly by so you understand how Attachment will impact your relationships.
See which of the following categories describes you and/or your partner.
Secure Adults With Secure Attachments
If you are a Secure Adult, then you believe that “I’m okay and others are okay too.” Here are some of the characteristics of what you bring to a relationship.
- You are comfortable with intimacy
- You are prepared to be emotionally vulnerable
- You will relay on the support of others
- You are confident that you are valued and loved
Anxious Adults
If you’re an Anxious Adult, then you believe that “I’m not okay.” Here are some of the characteristics of what you bring to a relationship.
- You have a deep desire for closeness and dependence, but…
- You are concerned with or expect to be rejected
- Your relationships are typified by jealousy
- You have a low level of trust
- There is mutual dissatisfaction in the relationship
- You desire commitment but can also be controlling
Avoidant Adults
If you are an Avoidant Adult, then you believe that “Others are not okay.” Here are some of the characteristics of what you would bring to a relationship.
- You are not as anxious but also view relationships as unimportant
- You value independence and are self-reliant
- Your relationships have low levels of inter-dependence, commitment, trust
- Your relationships are not very satisfying
- If you break up, you have relatively little distress
Anxious-Avoidant Adults
If you are an anxious-avoidant adult, then you believe that “I’m not okay and others are not okay.” Here are some of the characteristics of what you would bring to a relationship.
- You have higher levels of anxiety
- You are much more avoidant
- You have a strong desire to gain the approval of others
- Because you fear being rejected you avoid intimacy by sabotaging your relationships
Now What…
Understanding attachment is most helpful in understanding yourself or your spouse. Don’t go pointing your finger and saying, “See, I knew there was something screwed up with you.” Be kind and understanding with each other. If you or your spouse is avoidant or anxious or both then it will take some specific help to unlearn bad behavior and relearn better relating tools. Be patient. At least you know yourself better now.
I came across this information on a post by Graeme Armstrong MBACP. If you want to read more, please visit his post.
Change Your Marriage In One Day
Marriage’s can be challenging (obvious statement of the day). But there are things we can do to make them better—small things that don’t take much effort but reap big reward. For those that want improve your marriage try doing The Marriage Challenge below for just one day. If today goes well, then try it for two days, then a week, then 3 weeks or longer and you’ll be amazed at how safe and understanding your relationship will become.
Marriage Challenge
Every time your spouse asks you to do something—yes…EVERY TIME today—instead of debating, challenging, or dismissing, ask yourself “Why would doing this in that particular way be so important to my wife/husband?” If you don’t know the answer, then ask them directly—kindly and inquisitively—”Why is this so important to you?”
And then LISTEN to see if you can understand why they might want what they want.
There Is Always A Reason
There is ALWAYS a reason why your husband/wife wants that thing done in a specific way. When you understand that reason—truly understand it—you start being able to meet their needs in real and tangible ways.
Making My Wife Feel Safe
I always check to see that the house is locked up before we go to bed. Sometimes I do that at 8 pm and sometimes I do it at 10 pm just before bedtime. My wife will usually ask, “Did you check the house?” If I’ve done it at 8 I tell her yes, but she get that but-you-didn’t-go-check-right-now-so-how-do-you-know-for-sure look in her eye. So she asks me if I’ll do it again.
At that moment, I have every right to say, “No, I already did it so I’m not going to do it again.” But, if I ask instead, “Why is that so important to you” I will find out that her seeing me lock the doors makes her feel safer.
Do I want my wife to feel safe? YES.
Should I be willing to do something inconvenient so that she will feel safe? Yes
So I walk through the house again, willingly and without any resentment.
Leave A Comment
I’d really like to hear how your Marriage Challenge goes. Leave a comment and tell me how your spouse responded and what it felt like to listen first. Best of luck.
Holiday Values
“My wife and I are expected to be at my parents house for Christmas because we spent last Christmas at her parents house, but my wife and my brother don’t get along that well so my wife is not real excited about making an 8 hour trip with 3 small children to go visit some place she doesn’t feel comfortable. She would rather go do something with our friends who are staying in town this season. If we don’t go then I’m afraid that I’ll disappoint my parents which will cause this uncomfortable tension for the next 5 months before the next round of birthdays. The fighting started around the middle of November and the tension in our house hasn’t gotten below level 6 for the last 4 weeks.”
Sound familiar?
The holiday season can be one of peace and joy. Or… it can be one of stress and conflict. Holiday discord usually arrives because of the different expectations of spouses, extended family members and ourselves around travel plans, traditions, money, gifts, and kids.
A Better Alternative
The holiday season will go much better once you and your spouse create some shared values. When you both agree on what is important and are willing to make those things happen then you will be able to finally find peace.
Steps To Creating Shared Values
- Start From Scratch—Imagine that every family tradition is gone. You don’t have to be anywhere and you don’t have to do anything. No one else’s expectations are there and no one will care what you do. You have a blank slate.
- Understand The Why—Chose one tradition that you actually want to do. But this time, don’t focus on the “What you do” but on the “Why I like to do this.” Why is the turkey dinner so important? What feelings and emotions does it stir up? What memories does it bring you back to?
- Is There An Alternative—Once you understand why something is important, is there a way to meet that emotional need in another way that works better for both of you? Usually there is.
- Focus On The Person, Not The Event—What is more important, a road trip or your spouse? When you understand that your spouse is more important than some THING (road trip, turkey dinner, being on time, etc…) then you can start to hold onto those things more loosely. When they don’t come together it really is okay and doesn’t stress you out because your main focus has been about the person.
- Chose Who You Will Disappoint—You can’t please everyone. Who will you make a conscious decision to let down?
Holiday Topics To Talk About
Here is a short list of things to start creating shared values around
- Travel Plans—Who visits who and when?
- Finances—What’s the holiday budget and why?
- Gifts—What do the gifts mean?
- Charitable Giving—What will we do outside of our family?
- Extended Family—How much time with whom?
- Faith—What religious traditions do you want to observe and why?
