About Paul Elmore
Hi. I'm Paul.
I'm a counselor in Portland, OR, specializing in Sexual Abuse Recovery and Sexual Addiction. You can find out more about my education and experience here.
For Men
Men—7 Reasons Why Your Marriage Is In Crisis
Gentlemen. Marriage crisis doesn’t just happen.
It becomes a crisis when the important things are missed.
This is your wake up call.
Some of this stuff you arent’ going to like. Some of this stuff is going to be hard to hear.
(And, NO, I’m not going to play fairsies and point out all the stuff she’s doing to mess up the marriage as well. I’ll do that later).
This is about you right now—the things you have done to contribute to the mess. This is your half and the things you’re responsible for.
These are the answers to that huge “How did things end up like this” question you’ve had in your head for the last 6 months.
This is why your marriage is in crisis
1. The relationship stuff isn’t a priority to you
You’ve got a limited amount of energy and attention to give. Chances are, you spend more time trying to be better at your job, at your hobby, at your sport, than you do at your marriage.
You put more thought and intention into getting better at the tasks of life rather than the relationships with your wife.
Doin’ What Needs To Be Done
In the last week, I’ve asked two different men at two different times, “How you doing with [insert personal issue here]?”
Both of them responded with, “Just doin’ what needs to be done.”
Not Answering The Question
When you think about it, that isn’t really an answer to my question.
Let’s imagine you’re moving a pile of bricks. When asked, “How you doing, moving that pile of bricks” I don’t need to be told, “This needs to be done, so I’m doing it.”
What I’m really asking is, “As you’re moving the pile of bricks, what’s your experience?”
- You can be ticked off because you have to move the bricks.
- You could be feeling a strong sense of accomplishment because the job’s getting done.
- You could be hurting because the job is hard work.
- You could be sad that you have to be moving the bricks alone and in the rain wearing no shoes and blind in one eye.
- You could be excited because moving bricks is your favorite thing in the world to do.
FYI Men
Gentlemen, you’re always doing more than just what needs to be done. Being able to explain your experience gives you depth. It makes you more attractive. It shows that you are a man of substance.
Connect with your own experience first, and then learn how to share it with others. It makes moving bricks much more tolerable.
Tony Porter—Its Hard Being A Real Man
Tony Who?
I never heard of Tony Porter before listening to him today on TED talks. I only watched this video because someone emailed it to me and told me I should watch it. So I did. Its a good way to spend 11 minutes.
It isn’t very often that we hear strong men talking about the necessity of honoring their feelings. Tony recognizes and acknowledges all of the painful messages men have to endure if they even consider such a thing. At the same time, he connects how a man’s view of himself affects his view of women in general.
Why Should I Watch This?
If you’re a woman you’ll gain a better understanding of the men in your life.
If you’re a man, you’ll find out how to become a better man.
Enjoy!
