Topics & Issues

How 3 Minutes Of Terror Shapes The Rest Of Your Life

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In May of this year a tornado hit Joplin, Mo. A third of the town was destroyed and 162 people were killed.

While it takes only 5 months for surviving families to rebuild their homes and get back to “normal”, the psychological effects of those three minutes of terror will last a life time.

Most People Don’t Understand Truama

How can three minutes be that bad? Why can’t people just get over it? It’s not happening to you now—why can’t you just move on?

All of these are the common responses I hear from both family members and trauma survivors. Most don’t understand how trauma affects you or what it looks like when people are still trying to work things out.

The following audio clip is an NPR story of  followup interviews with several of the families and children who survived the tornado. The story paints a very clear picture how people are still trying to work out their experience—especially children.

If You Are A Trauma Survivor

Whether you’re the victim of a natural disaster, physical abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse, the number one thing I hear from my trauma clients is, “I feel like I’m crazy”.

In this story, you’ll gain a much clearer understand of why you feel what you feel and why you’ve done what you’ve done in the years following your traumatic event.

In the 4 minute story, be listening for:

  1. How you as a child try to process things that are overwhelming and terrifying.
  2. How adults need to process their fear and feelings to be able to help you.
  3. The other types of problematic behaviors and coping mechanisms that come out of one traumatic event.

Click To Play

Please Share With Other Survivors

I believe this is important enough for every trauma survivor to hear. If you know someone who has experienced a traumatic event in their life that they are still wrestling with, please use the like button for Facebook or Twitter to share this story.

Sources: NPR

Doin’ What Needs To Be Done

In the last week, I’ve asked two different men at two different times, “How you doing with [insert personal issue here]?”

Both of them responded with, “Just doin’ what needs to be done.”

Not Answering The Question

When you think about it, that isn’t really an answer to my question.

Let’s imagine you’re moving a pile of bricks. When asked, “How you doing, moving that pile of bricks” I don’t need to be told, “This needs to be done, so I’m doing it.”

What I’m really asking is, “As you’re moving the pile of bricks, what’s your experience?”

  • You can be ticked off because you have to move the bricks.
  • You could be feeling a strong sense of accomplishment because the job’s getting done.
  • You could be hurting because the job is hard work.
  • You could be sad that you have to be moving the bricks alone and in the rain wearing no shoes and blind in one eye.
  • You could be excited because moving bricks is your favorite thing in the world to do.

FYI Men

Gentlemen, you’re always doing more than just what needs to be done. Being able to explain your experience gives you depth. It makes you more attractive. It shows that you are a man of substance.

Connect with your own experience first, and then learn how to share it with others. It makes moving bricks much more tolerable.

When Can A Christian Divorce?

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The topic of divorce is not an easy one—especially within churches.

Admittedly, I have stayed away from the discussion because its one of those areas where you’re guaranteed to make someone mad no matter which position you take. And while I don’t mind sitting in a little conflict, I’m not really wanting to pick a fight.

That being said, I do believe that the church needs to come to a better understanding of how to treat individuals who are in really bad relationships.

Rob Bell’s Sermon On Marriage & Divorce

I was pleasantly surprised when I came across the following sermon from Rob Bell on Marriage and Divorce. I appreciate his approach because he acknowledges that the easy answers don’t always work. He treats the topic with compassion, discretion, and wisdom—things that I haven’t always heard come from a pulpit.

I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

Click The Arrow Below To Listen To The Audio

Rob Bell—Marriage & Divorce

(P.S. I have obtained written permission from Mars Hill to republish this copyrighted material—just in case you’re wondering.)

Abuse Survivors—Top Three Reasons Why You Blame Yourself

If you have been abused, it’s normal to feel some sort of responsibility. It’s a way of trying to make sense of what happened to you.

Here are the common “reasons” you might be telling yourself, as to why you were abused:

1. I Didn’t Fight Back

With hind sight, you replay the situation over and over and think about what you “should” have done. Then, you start critiquing yourself up for not doing that. This starts to solidify into a “reason” why the abuse is somehow your fault.

When feeling overwhelmed, NOT fighting back—or freezing—is actually the most common response you would have. Your thinking was, “If I just stop moving then somehow I won’t encourage what is happening to me.” It’s also normal to freeze “just to get it over with”.

If you want more in depth info, this is where I’ve written about the freeze response in a previous post.

2. I Didn’t Want It To, But It Felt Good

Your body is designed to experience pleasure when it is touched. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always matter who is doing the touching or what the circumstances are.

There are a couple of important things to understand about your body’s response:

  1. There was nothing you could do to stop your body from responding the way it did. It just does what it does.
  2. Feeling pleasure does not mean that you were condoning what was happening to you.
  3. You are not crazy or “broken”. When fear and pleasure are experienced at the same time, it’s normal to feel a little confused.

3. I Must Have Done Something To Encourage It

“Why did this happen to ME?”

The WHY question is always the biggest question—and the one that is hardest to answer.

When something doesn’t make sense, the easiest answer to find is, “I must have done something to encourage this.” It could also sound like, “There must be something about ME that made them want to do this to me.”

While this seems to make sense, it is a lie. People are responsible for their own choices and behaviors. Regardless of your own choices and behaviors, your offender had to make the choice as well to act out.

Here’s something to consider—not everyone would have made the same choices as your offender.

Now What

If you are an abuse survivor, processing through theses responses is best done with another person. A counselor who is trained in trauma and is safe, kind, and compassionate can speak truth into your life. They can help you process through the distorted beliefs and help you make sense of the physical sensation (called body memories).

Since you were hurt in relationship, you can heal in relationship as well.

How To Have Better Sex With Your Wife

I’ve been following Corey Allan from Simple Marriage for a short time now. He, and the other writers, have some great stuff to say about keeping a marriage healthy and vibrant.

Today, he was writing about one of men’s favorite topics—sex. Not necessarily how to get more sex, but how to have better sex—and specifically, how to please your wife sexually.

He lists out 5 specific things to improve your sexual relationship. I thought I’d tease you (sorry for the pun) with #3. I’d encourage you to read the entire post when you have a few minutes.

Number Three

Your confidence. Because women are by nature security-seeking creatures, a man’s confidence can be a major turn-on. When a man approaches a woman with confidence, she experiences the same chemical reaction in her brain (a release of both dopamine and norepinephrine) that a man experiences when a woman lifts up her shirt and shows him her breasts. And by “confidence,” I don’t mean “machismo.” I’m referring to the type of man who knows who he is (and who he isn’t). At the other end of the spectrum, men who are anxious, passive and eager to please exude anything but confidence. Looking for a surefire way to kill the passion in your marriage? Become the passive, conflict-avoiding, eager-to-please nice guy who only wants to make his wife “happy.”

How The First 6 Months Of Your Life Affects Your Marriage… Really!

We all know that there are lots and lots of things that determine if you’re going to have a good marriage. Today, I’d like to look at one aspect which doesn’t get talked about much—Attachment

Attachment Theory 101

In the first 6-8 months of life, you learned to connect on different levels to other human beings—primarily your parents. This happened on a deeply instinctual level and is not something you chose to do. You just did it. Here’s how it works.

When you cried or expresses a need, your parent had a couple of options on how to respond:

  1. They could compassionately meet your need by comforting, changing, protecting, or feeding you. If they did this easily and confidently then you learned that the world will meet your needs and you become securely attached.
  2. They could meet your needs physically but do it with a level of anxiousness and fear. If this was their attitude, then you become anxiously attached.
  3. They could ignore you all together. If this happened, you learned not to connect to anyone emotionally and that no one will meet your needs. You learned you’re on your own and became avoidant attached.

Yes, I know… there is more to attachment theory. This is just a quick fly by so you understand how Attachment will impact your relationships.

See which of the following categories describes you and/or your partner.

Secure Adults With Secure Attachments

If you are a Secure Adult, then you believe that “I’m okay and others are okay too.” Here are some of the characteristics of what you bring to a relationship.

  • You are comfortable with intimacy
  • You are prepared to be emotionally vulnerable
  • You will relay on the support of others
  • You are confident that you are valued and loved

Anxious Adults

If you’re an Anxious Adult, then you believe that “I’m not okay.” Here are some of the characteristics of what you bring to a relationship.

  • You have a deep desire for closeness and dependence, but…
  • You are concerned with or expect to be rejected
  • Your relationships are typified by jealousy
  • You have a low level of trust
  • There is mutual dissatisfaction in the relationship
  • You desire commitment but can also be controlling

Avoidant Adults

If you are an Avoidant Adult, then you believe that “Others are not okay.” Here are some of the characteristics of what you would bring to a relationship.

  • You are not as anxious but also view relationships as unimportant
  • You value independence and are self-reliant
  • Your relationships have low levels of inter-dependence, commitment, trust
  • Your relationships are not very satisfying
  • If you break up, you have relatively little distress

Anxious-Avoidant Adults

If you are an anxious-avoidant adult, then you believe that “I’m not okay and others are not okay.” Here are some of the characteristics of what you would bring to a relationship.

  • You have higher levels of anxiety
  • You are much more avoidant
  • You have a strong desire to gain the approval of others
  • Because you fear being rejected you avoid intimacy by sabotaging your relationships

Now What…

Understanding attachment is most helpful in understanding yourself or your spouse. Don’t go pointing your finger and saying, “See, I knew there was something screwed up with you.” Be kind and understanding with each other. If you or your spouse is avoidant or anxious or both then it will take some specific help to unlearn bad behavior and relearn better relating tools. Be patient. At least you know yourself better now.

I came across this information on a post by Graeme Armstrong MBACP. If you want to read more, please visit his post.

 

Change Your Marriage In One Day

Marriage’s can be challenging (obvious statement of the day). But there are things we can do to make them better—small things that don’t take much effort but reap big reward. For those that want improve your marriage try doing The Marriage Challenge below for just one day. If today goes well, then try it for two days, then a week, then 3 weeks or longer and you’ll be amazed at how safe and understanding your relationship will become.

Marriage Challenge

Every time your spouse asks you to do something—yes…EVERY TIME today—instead of debating, challenging, or dismissing, ask yourself “Why would doing this in that particular way be so important to my wife/husband?” If you don’t know the answer, then ask them directly—kindly and inquisitively—”Why is this so important to you?”

And then LISTEN to see if you can understand why they might want what they want.

There Is Always A Reason

There is ALWAYS a reason why your husband/wife wants that thing done in a specific way. When you understand that reason—truly understand it—you start being able to meet their needs in real and tangible ways.

Making My Wife Feel Safe

I always check to see that the house is locked up before we go to bed. Sometimes I do that at 8 pm and sometimes I do it at 10 pm just before bedtime. My wife will usually ask, “Did you check the house?” If I’ve done it at 8 I tell her yes, but she get that but-you-didn’t-go-check-right-now-so-how-do-you-know-for-sure look in her eye. So she asks me if I’ll do it again.

At that moment, I have every right to say, “No, I already did it so I’m not going to do it again.” But, if I ask instead, “Why is that so important to you” I will find out that her seeing me lock the doors makes her feel safer.

Do I want my wife to feel safe? YES.

Should I be willing to do something inconvenient so that she will feel safe? Yes

So I walk through the house again, willingly and without any resentment.

Leave A Comment

I’d really like to hear how your Marriage Challenge goes. Leave a comment and tell me how your spouse responded and what it felt like to listen first. Best of luck.

Tony Porter—Its Hard Being A Real Man

Tony Who?

I never heard of Tony Porter before listening to him today on TED talks. I only watched this video because someone emailed it to me and told me I should watch it. So I did. Its a good way to spend 11 minutes.

It isn’t very often that we hear strong men talking about the necessity of honoring their feelings. Tony recognizes and acknowledges all of the painful messages men have to endure if they even consider such a thing. At the same time, he connects how a man’s view of himself affects his view of women in general.

Why Should I Watch This?

If you’re a woman you’ll gain a better understanding of the men in your life.

If you’re a man, you’ll find out how to become a better man.

Enjoy!

How Do I Know If I Am An Addict

So lately you’ve been struggling with that “Thing” that you’ve been struggling with for a long time. You’ve made promises, tried accountability groups, thought that you just need to be more disciplined, prayed and fasted, even tried some crazy magical cures off the Internet. Still, you can’t seem to stop doing it.  There’s only one logical conclusion—you must be an addict. Right?

Well… maybe.

Not everyone who has a personal weakness should be called an addict. There are several distinct characteristics of addiction that you should know about before slapping that label on yourself. And here they are:

“I Don’t Care About The Negative Consequences Anymore”

Every bad behavior has consequences. Getting drunk means waking up with a hang-over, missing work, missing important family events, speaking meanly to your kids, over-spending the budget, etc…

If you’re are an addict you are aware of all these consequences and say, “I really don’t care anymore, I’m still going to do this.” Sometimes this statement is overt and a conscious decision, other times your actions communicate your disregard of the consequences.

Compulsivity And Preoccupation

It’s been 20 minutes since you woke up. You’ve showered, shaved, gotten dressed for work, and are half way through breakfast when you realize that you’ve already been daydreaming about when you’re going to be able to find a few minutes to sneak away and do that “Thing” that you know your shouldn’t do.

If you’re an addict, your “Thing” has started taking up a large majority of your mental energy, even when you don’t want it to. It’s not a choice any more.

Living In A State Of Denial

One of the easiest ways to determine if you’re an addict is your willingness to admit that you have a problem. If you’re an addict, you usually won’t admit that your “Thing” has a place of power in your life.  (Ironically, this is one of the hardest things for addicts to do.) Addicts are blind to their own problems. It takes hitting rock bottom, losing someone or something that is close to you, or a group of people to forcefully put reality in your face before you’re willing to admit you’re controlled by your “Thing”.

Tolerance

If you’re addicted to speed (as in driving fast), going 80 miles an hour doesn’t give you that same high as it did the first time you went that fast. You now need to go 95 to feel the same rush. Pretty soon you’ll need to be doing 110, 115, 137, until it gets too out of control. Once you’ve done something over and over you start developing a tolerance for it.

Withdrawal Discomfort

Addiction to anything, whether it’s a substance like cocaine or alcohol, or a behavior, like pornography or stealing, changes your physical chemistry. Removing the “Thing” that has played such an important role in your life will create strong physical and emotional discomfort and cause your body to start going through detox. This process can last a couple of days or several weeks, depending upon what your “Thing” is. Either way, it’s not a fun experience and you’ll usually need a lot of help to make it to the end.

So What Now?

People have been struggling with doing things that they know they shouldn’t be doing since time began. No one is immune. Surround yourself with good people and start practicing being seen in your weakness. When you can do that and find unconditional love and acceptance, then you’ll start to learn how to accept yourself, making it easier to overcome your struggle. It’s always harder doing it alone.

If you still believe that you have an addiction, get help. Find a competent counselor that you can trust, be painfully honest with them about everything—yes, EVERYTHING—and begin the process of getting better. It will probably be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in your life, but one of the best.

“Why You Should Cry”—or How Freezing Can Lead To Trauma

In my last post I talked about two of the three most common responses to scary events—The fight response and the flight response. In this post I want you to understand the third response you might experience when feeling overwhelmed—Freezing.

What Trauma Isn’t

Trauma isn’t necessarily the event that happens to you. You might be in a small car accident and be just fine while someone else could be in the same accident and experience traumatic symptoms. Trauma develops in the way our bodies and emotions COPE with an event. Its our reactions, not the event.

So What About Freezing

When you are feeling overwhelmed and have the opportunity to flee (the flight response) you are actually doing something. You’re being active. You’re using your body and all that energy to get yourself safe. Even if running away isn’t considered “strong” it is still active. You took care of yourself. You got yourself safe.

Fighting is the same way. When you kick, scream, punch, pull, claw, bite, or whatever you are using up all that emotional and physical energy by protecting yourself. It is active. It is proving to yourself that you can keep yourself safe.

But freezing is very different. When you freeze, all that physical energy that your brain is sending to your body gets trapped and stuck. You become paralyzed with fear but you body is still in a high agitated state wanting to protect itself. The energy gets stuck in your nervous system with nowhere to go.

Here’s how Peter Levine, an expert on traumatic reactions, describes this process:

When fight and flight responses are thwarted, a person instinctively constricts as they moves toward their last option, the freezing response. As they constrict, the fight or flight strategies are amplified and bound up in the nervous system… If the person is able to discharge the energy by fleeing or defending themselves and thus resolve the threat, trauma will not occur.

Its All About Discharging Energy

When the emotional and physical energy of fighting or fleeing gets stuck in your nervous system it needs to find a way to discharge. In animals, they discharge this energy by shaking.

“The process begins with a very slight twitching or vibration in the upper part of the neck around the ears and spreads down the chest, shoulders, and then finally down the abdomen, pelvis, and hind legs.”

In a human, you often don’t like how your body responds to emotions. When you need to cry you hold it in. You swallow back that lump in your throats. You buck up and don’t let yourself get carried away. You stop yourself from shaking or trembling or screaming or running or moving.

Other times it’s not safe to express emotions. When you would get in trouble or someone would reject or abandon you, you learned to “suck it up”. If you were being actively hurt, showing emotions might have given more power to your offender, so you had to hold it in.

Either way, by holding onto all that stuff, you keep that physical energy trapped in your nervous systems.

“The impulse toward intense aggression is so frightening that the traumatized person often turns it inward on themselves rather than allow it external expression. This imploded anger takes the form of anxious depression and the varied symptoms of post-traumatic stress.”

Trauma Symptoms

Trauma symptoms are really just your attempt to regulate the activated energy in your nervous system. Sometimes that is through physical behavior like overeating, sleeping, sex, etc… Sometimes its through mental energy like trying to NOT to feel, or shutting down, or controlling others and situations.

Some of the physical symptoms of trauma are:

  • Insomnia or nightmares
  • Being startled easily
  • Racing heartbeat
  • Aches and pains
  • Fatigue
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Edginess and agitation
  • Muscle tension

Many people have heard about PTSD—Post-traumatic Stress Disorder—but few people really understand it. My next post will be PTSD 101.