Sexual Abuse

What The Spider In My Bath Towel Taught Me About Trauma

6 months ago, while drying off after taking my morning shower, I noticed something fall out of the towel that I was using to dry my hair and face.

When I looked down, I saw a large… red… thick… hairy spider sitting in the bottom of the tub.

After screaming like a girl (and making sure he didn’t have a brother hanging out with him in the towel) I finished drying off and grabbed my camera. (Yep… that’s the actual spider in the picture. I put the razor next to him for size comparison.)

For the rest of the day, I had a serious case of the heebie jeebies, and it felt like I had little hairy legs crawling up and down my neck.

That’s Not The Worst Part

That morning was definitely not a gold star type of morning.

Understanding Unwanted Bodily Sensations

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If you are a trauma victim you have had to deal with a wide variety of bodily sensations and reactions.

Instant feelings of anxiety, panic… tight chests, headaches, stomach aches, sweating, etc… all of these can be strange and upsetting.

Unwanted sexual responses can be especially uncomfortable and highly confusing.

Why does this happen?

This is the most common question asked, second only to “How do I make them stop.”

The other day I came across a wonderful story that explains how bodily sensations become connected to events and experiences. I put the story in a quick podcast episode and then explained how it relates to your physical reactions.

The podcast is under 5 minutes, so take just a moment and learn why your body does what it does.

Enjoy.

Abuse Survivors—Top Three Reasons Why You Blame Yourself

If you have been abused, it’s normal to feel some sort of responsibility. It’s a way of trying to make sense of what happened to you.

Here are the common “reasons” you might be telling yourself, as to why you were abused:

1. I Didn’t Fight Back

With hind sight, you replay the situation over and over and think about what you “should” have done. Then, you start critiquing yourself up for not doing that. This starts to solidify into a “reason” why the abuse is somehow your fault.

When feeling overwhelmed, NOT fighting back—or freezing—is actually the most common response you would have. Your thinking was, “If I just stop moving then somehow I won’t encourage what is happening to me.” It’s also normal to freeze “just to get it over with”.

If you want more in depth info, this is where I’ve written about the freeze response in a previous post.

2. I Didn’t Want It To, But It Felt Good

Your body is designed to experience pleasure when it is touched. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always matter who is doing the touching or what the circumstances are.

There are a couple of important things to understand about your body’s response:

  1. There was nothing you could do to stop your body from responding the way it did. It just does what it does.
  2. Feeling pleasure does not mean that you were condoning what was happening to you.
  3. You are not crazy or “broken”. When fear and pleasure are experienced at the same time, it’s normal to feel a little confused.

3. I Must Have Done Something To Encourage It

“Why did this happen to ME?”

The WHY question is always the biggest question—and the one that is hardest to answer.

When something doesn’t make sense, the easiest answer to find is, “I must have done something to encourage this.” It could also sound like, “There must be something about ME that made them want to do this to me.”

While this seems to make sense, it is a lie. People are responsible for their own choices and behaviors. Regardless of your own choices and behaviors, your offender had to make the choice as well to act out.

Here’s something to consider—not everyone would have made the same choices as your offender.

Now What

If you are an abuse survivor, processing through theses responses is best done with another person. A counselor who is trained in trauma and is safe, kind, and compassionate can speak truth into your life. They can help you process through the distorted beliefs and help you make sense of the physical sensation (called body memories).

Since you were hurt in relationship, you can heal in relationship as well.

“Why You Should Cry”—or How Freezing Can Lead To Trauma

In my last post I talked about two of the three most common responses to scary events—The fight response and the flight response. In this post I want you to understand the third response you might experience when feeling overwhelmed—Freezing.

What Trauma Isn’t

Trauma isn’t necessarily the event that happens to you. You might be in a small car accident and be just fine while someone else could be in the same accident and experience traumatic symptoms. Trauma develops in the way our bodies and emotions COPE with an event. Its our reactions, not the event.

So What About Freezing

When you are feeling overwhelmed and have the opportunity to flee (the flight response) you are actually doing something. You’re being active. You’re using your body and all that energy to get yourself safe. Even if running away isn’t considered “strong” it is still active. You took care of yourself. You got yourself safe.

Fighting is the same way. When you kick, scream, punch, pull, claw, bite, or whatever you are using up all that emotional and physical energy by protecting yourself. It is active. It is proving to yourself that you can keep yourself safe.

But freezing is very different. When you freeze, all that physical energy that your brain is sending to your body gets trapped and stuck. You become paralyzed with fear but you body is still in a high agitated state wanting to protect itself. The energy gets stuck in your nervous system with nowhere to go.

Here’s how Peter Levine, an expert on traumatic reactions, describes this process:

When fight and flight responses are thwarted, a person instinctively constricts as they moves toward their last option, the freezing response. As they constrict, the fight or flight strategies are amplified and bound up in the nervous system… If the person is able to discharge the energy by fleeing or defending themselves and thus resolve the threat, trauma will not occur.

Its All About Discharging Energy

When the emotional and physical energy of fighting or fleeing gets stuck in your nervous system it needs to find a way to discharge. In animals, they discharge this energy by shaking.

“The process begins with a very slight twitching or vibration in the upper part of the neck around the ears and spreads down the chest, shoulders, and then finally down the abdomen, pelvis, and hind legs.”

In a human, you often don’t like how your body responds to emotions. When you need to cry you hold it in. You swallow back that lump in your throats. You buck up and don’t let yourself get carried away. You stop yourself from shaking or trembling or screaming or running or moving.

Other times it’s not safe to express emotions. When you would get in trouble or someone would reject or abandon you, you learned to “suck it up”. If you were being actively hurt, showing emotions might have given more power to your offender, so you had to hold it in.

Either way, by holding onto all that stuff, you keep that physical energy trapped in your nervous systems.

“The impulse toward intense aggression is so frightening that the traumatized person often turns it inward on themselves rather than allow it external expression. This imploded anger takes the form of anxious depression and the varied symptoms of post-traumatic stress.”

Trauma Symptoms

Trauma symptoms are really just your attempt to regulate the activated energy in your nervous system. Sometimes that is through physical behavior like overeating, sleeping, sex, etc… Sometimes its through mental energy like trying to NOT to feel, or shutting down, or controlling others and situations.

Some of the physical symptoms of trauma are:

  • Insomnia or nightmares
  • Being startled easily
  • Racing heartbeat
  • Aches and pains
  • Fatigue
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Edginess and agitation
  • Muscle tension

Many people have heard about PTSD—Post-traumatic Stress Disorder—but few people really understand it. My next post will be PTSD 101.

The Three Most Common Responses To Trauma

When we think of life-threatening situations, we often hear about two common responses—Fight or flight. But what is less commonly known is the third response. called the freeze.

Fight

The other night my family and I were watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. It was around Halloween so they were running through all the trick-or-treat clips. In one of the clips it showed a group of people slowly approaching the front porch of an old farmhouse. Sitting in a rocking chair, not moving a muscle, is a scarecrow holding the large bowl of candy. We, the viewers, know what is coming but one man in the group wasn’t quite sure if the scarecrow was a dummy or a real person.

Ever so slowly, the man approaches the bowl… starts to stretch out his hand… grabs a piece of candy… BOO!

The scarecrow jumps up and scares the crowd.

But that’s not the funny part.

Because the man, without any thought or reasoning, automatically throws his right fist straight into the face of the scarecrow knocking him completely over.

Laugh your butt off funny (because it wasn’t you getting scared or getting punched in the face).

The man’s actions are a natural and reasonable response to being afraid. If it seems there that there is a good chance that a person will win a fight, then aggression becomes the logical form of defense. The fight response is not thought out. It just happens. Our deep, internal brains take an assessment of the situation and make a split-second decision. Sometimes, that decision is to fight.

Flight

One of the all time classic movies is The Princess Bride. If you’re on a college campus, its almost a requirement to be able to quote most of the lines from the movie.

Remember the scene near the end of the movie, just after Wesley and Inigo have gotten into the castle to rescue Princess Buttercup, where Count Rugen and Inigo meet each other for the first time face to face.

They square off in the corridor, each assuming their chosen fighting stance. We, the audience, are ready for the revenge battle scene.

And then Count Rugen turns and runs away. He just runs away.

When someone is faced with a situation that they don’t feel they can win, then the flight response becomes the most natural defense to take.  Again, this choice is not usually thought out. It is a gut response that happens naturally and intuitively.

Freeze?

Most people are not aware of the third most common response when we are faced with an overwhelming situation—the Freeze response. Sometimes, the goal isn’t to win. Sometimes the goal is just to survive no matter how you get there. “The object is to stay alive until the danger is past and deal with the consequences later. “ Peter Levine

Because the Freeze response appears to be passive and inactive people feel very ashamed or self critical. In the animal world, when an animal plays dead in order to be as uninteresting to the predator, they don’t feel ashamed, weak or inadequate. And neither should we.

Because the Freeze response is so common and carries such potential shame, I’m going to devote an entire post to explaining why we respond that way.

Redemption & Recovery

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Helping Those Hurt By Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse has far-reaching effects into everyday life. Relationships, parenting, and jobs are constantly impacted by the lack of trust, by the confusion and self doubt, by the frustration and fear.

If you’ve felt the effects of sexual abuse, this class will help you understand WHY your life is the way it is, and, more importantly, it will show you what life can look like after going through the recovery process.

In this class we’ll cover 14 mile markers that lead to a healthy and connected life and show you exactly what the process of finding freedom will look like.

Some of the 14 topics we’ll cover are:

  • Being honest with ourselves—Why its important to acknowledge what happened.
  • The purpose of pain—What to do with all those intense feelings and emotions.
  • Our bodies remember—How the brain processes fear and why your body responds the way it does.
  • Our drugs of choice—What we do to stop the pain and how to learn healthy coping skills.
  • Sex really is a good thing—How to finally be comfortable with your own sexuality.

Scheduled Classes

Currently, there are no classes scheduled. If you would like to host this class at your church or group, please contact Paul at 503-863-4074 for more information.

Childhood Trauma

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Many people believe that for something to be traumatic it needs to be catastrophic and out of the ordinary. Trauma is ANY event that overwhelms the system, regardless of someone else’s perspective.

“Trauma happens when any experience stuns us like a bolt out of the blue; it overwhelms us, leaving us altered and disconnected from out bodies. Any coping mechanism we may have had are undermined, and we feel utterly helpless and hopeless. It is as if our legs are knocked out from under us.” Peter Levine & Maggie Kline from Trauma Through A Child’s Eyes.

Confusing Ourselves Into Believing

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“Its hard to accept the fact sometimes that you’re human. But its true… Ask any [serious] athlete and they’ll tell you ‘We believe we’re invincible.’ If we go in there with any other thought, there’s no chance of us accomplishing out goal… Because we have to believe, we have to confuse ourselves into believing that no matter what’s wrong with you or what you’re dealing with its not going to be a factor to what you’re trying to accomplish.” Radio Lab—Time

Its okay to push ourselves beyond what we’re capable of for short periods of time. We can recover without any long term permanent damage. But pain is the warning sign that something isn’t right. When we ignore it too often or for long periods of time we end up permanently damaging ourselves.