What Is Your Manifesto?

What are the things you so believe in that you are willing to put pen and ink to them and declare them to the world?

What are the things you can’t help not talk about?

What are you willing to be known for, brazenly and unapologetically?

What is your personal manifesto?

I Dare You

Write your manifesto.

Send it to me.

I’ll publish it.

And come what may.

So say we all.

Alright guys. You’re gonna hate this one.

I know you’re not going to like this topic, but it’s a pretty important one. Because, if you don’t get this dialed in, any relationship you have with you wife or girlfriend will be kind of messed up.

We’re talking about empathy. We’re talking about… the ability to hurt because she is hurting.

Now most men, when you woman is in pain, we adopt the typical masculine approach, which sounds like, “Dude. Just stop hurting. Get over it.”

That kind of works with other men, but when it comes to the women folk, that doesn’t cut it so much.

Instead, what tends to work a lot better, is if you’re able to actually, legitimately (you don’t have to fake it) be able to hurt because she hurts.

If you can do that, you can become connected to her in such a way that you are going to gain points in ways that you can’t believe.

Here’s what I do.

I image if somebody else had done something to my wife… if someone else had hurt my wife in this way… what would I be feeling inside? Would I be defensive? Would I be protective? Would I feel bad for her? Would I be bugged at the person who hurt her?

If any of those things are there, that is that protective quality you have for your wife.

You need to be able to tap into that, because, if those are the feelings that show up if someone else hurts her, then, when you hurt her, even if you caused the pain, she needs to know that you hurt because she hurts.

It’s not always the easiest thing to get to right away, but when you make that transition, you’re going to be dealing with the actual pain of her heart which is going to provide the most healing and bring you both back together as close as possible, as soon as possible, so you don’t have to be in a fight for three days, walking around with that tension in the air, thick enough that you could cut with a knife.

We’ve all been there, done that… that’s not a real good way to spend a day, especially if there’s a football game on.

So, to get reconnected with you wife as soon as possible, always imagine “if someone else had caused this pain in her, what would I be feeling?” If you can feel that for her, then see if you can there, even if you caused that pain.

Give it a try. I think it will work.

Getting unstuck when that feeling overwhelms you is one of the first steps in recovery.

The following video is a quick explanation of what happens when you get frozen and how a trauma therapist will help you process through that experience.

Transcript Of The Video

For trauma victims, normal, everyday life isn’t just normal everyday life.

Imagine you’re walking down the street and enjoying the scenery.

You notice the grass, the signs, the buildings… you’re enjoying the weather and you’re not thinking of anything specific.

Suddenly, you’re aware of a scary person you hadn’t noticed before.

You stop…

You hold your breath…

The only thing that you are aware of is that one specific person.

All that you had perceived a moment ago—the grass, buildings, signs, everything— is gone…
Or is it?

In reality, nothing is gone. It’s all still there. It all still exists.

The only thing that has happened is your perception has constricted to focus only on the portion of the scene that is a threat.

Most everything else retreats into the background—into the hidden crevices of your mind—so as not to distract you from what you must do—which is keep your attention solely focused on the scary person.

Sometimes, you can get stuck in this place. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to pull yourself out of the experience. You’re now trapped and frozen with fear.

When this happens on a daily basis, or sometimes multiple times a day, it can become highly disruptive and even debilitating.

That’s when a trauma therapist can step in and teach you how to get yourself out of the moments when you’re paralyzed by fear.

Here’s how it works:
While in session, you’ll be asked to bring up a scenario that creates the same feelings of fear, panic, and creates that constricted perspective.

You’ll probably only be able aware of the uncomfortable sensations in your body—your heart beating out of your chest, your throat feeling tight, the desire to run for the door… All of those may feel overwhelming.

That’s when the therapist will slowly start to draw your attention outward. He’ll help you become aware of all the things that are around you and have been around you the whole time.

He’ll remind you to breath. He’ll have you feel the floor pushing up against your feet. He’ll help you notice the grass, and the signs, and the sounds, and the smells, and the sensations all around you.

He’ll start to expand your perspective and help you realize that the scary and uncomfortable things are just one small part of your overall experience you’re having in that moment. This will help to ground you.

It will remind you of what is really real.

It will take a little bit of practice to get good at it, but once you do, you’ll be able to pull yourself out of those times when you feel stuck, or, even better, prevent yourself from sliding into those moments when you feel frozen and overwhelmed with fear in the first place.

If you want to do some more reading on trauma and how to process through it, the concepts in this video were taken from Peter Levine’s book In An Unspoken Voice, with the subtitle How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. I’d highly recommend it.

A week or so ago, I wrote about the 7 things men do to contribute to their marriage crisis.

Ladies, now it’s your turn.

Because of how you’re wired, you bring your own unique dynamics to a relationship in crisis.

You may not have all of these, but chances are, if your marriage is in a really bad place right now, you’ve been guilty of one or two of these things.

Ready? Here we go…

1. You Say Mean Things

Women, when you are hurt or scared, you say things to your husband that he would never consider saying to you.

You probably don’t know it, but one of the most common weapons a wife uses against her husband is to attack his character—who he is as a person.

Here’s some of the more common things I’ve heard women say to men while sitting in my office:

• “You’re acting childish.”
• “Grow up.”
• “When are you going to start acting like a man?”
• “Why don’t you grow a pair.”
• “You’re the only man who …”

These comments have a way of cutting a man so deeply that, often times, it is hard for him to recover.

Once your husband is in that place… instead of him lashing back with the same type of verbal attacks, he’ll start to go underground. He’ll start to pull away, physically, emotionally, relationally, sexually, just to keep himself out of the line of fire.

Why does he go silent?

Because he is wired for respect (even when he’s not acting respectfully, he’s still inherently wired for it).

Out of respect, he would never consider saying those type of deeply hurting things to you. In fact, he’d rather take the verbal hits from you, and then internally justify his pulling away from you. (see #2 in this list to understand the importance of respect.)

When he starts to pull away, that makes you want to start pushing even harder to get him to engage (see #3 in this list). And then the cycle continues.

If you recognize that you’ve been guilty of verbally tearing down your husband, here’s a couple things you can do to start to change.

First, always talk about your feelings, not his character.

Here’s what it sounds like:

“When you do…” (talk about the observable facts of the situation) “… it makes me feel hurt, sad, misunderstood, frustrated, or all of the above plus some.”

It’s going to be tempting to talk about his motivation or the reason why he’s doing what he’s doing. You’re going to be making some big assumptions about his heart or his thinking when you do that, and nothing frustrates a husband more than being told what he his thinking.

Talk only about the observable facts, tell him how it affects you. And then close your mouth.

Rest.

Let it sink in for a moment.

He still may not get it, but at least you’re not making the situation worse by attacking his character. He’ll be able to stay engaged longer, which gives you more of a chance of being heard and understood.

Secondly, if you have done this in the past—apologize.

Taking responsibility for your poor behavior towards your husband is a huge sign of respect. It makes it feel like everything isn’t being blamed on him and you’ll have a more captive audience because he’ll be willing to listen more.

And here’s a tip—when you do say sorry to him, there is one essential element that needs to be included—actual sorrow.

Your apology needs to be authentic. He needs to see your sorrow for him to believe you or else he’s just going to feel like he’s being manipulated.

Tip #2—any apology that is followed with a “… but…” is not an apology.

The word but is actually used to contradict whatever it is modifying. As soon as you add a big but to your apology, you might as well say, “Ignore everything I just said in that apology and listen to what’s really important to me right now.”

Words are very important to men. Choose them carefully and you’ll get much farther much faster in the restoration process.

2. You Haven’t Learned How Important Respect Is To Your Husband

It’s something of a mystery for most women, but respect is the life blood for men.

As a woman, you are inherently wired for love, so you have to learn how to do respect. It doesn’t come naturally. It’s something you have to work at.

Tip #3—Respect is defined as unconditionally accepting your man, even when you disagree with his position or behavior.

When one man is debating another guy, they might speak strongly, passionately, intensely— even attackingly with each other. But they tend to only attack the issues. They rarely attack their opponent themselves. (At least not to their face).

In fact, the harder the opposition fights, the more respect men have for each other. (I know it doesn’t make sense. Just trust me on this.)

Because you’re a woman, your emotions are integrated into every area of your life. Issues are hard to compartmentalize. (Put another way, if someone doesn’t like your idea, it feels like they don’t like you.)

What this means for your marriage, and the fight you had with your husband last night is this… When your husband disagreed with your position on that thing you were discussing, you took it personally—as if he was rejecting all of you. And when you felt rejected, deeply and personally, you responded as if you’d just been shot through the heart. And because he rejected you (or it felt like he reject you), you lash back quickly and deeply with an attack on his character (see #1 in this list).

When this happens (and all of this happens in about 1.3 seconds), your husband is standing there wondering what the hell just happened. He’s saying, “I thought we were talking about the thing, and now you’re attacking me?”

Tip #4—Ladies, being able to separate out issues from personhood is essential if you’re going to be speaking to your man.

It is a little known fact, and something most guys won’t admit to (or are even aware of), but, “The most fragile thing on the planet is a male ego.”

Respect is that thing that says, “No matter what, you are okay. You are accepted. You are wanted. You are special.”

A man needs to hear a respectful tone in every exchange. It’s what keeps him grounded. It’s what keeps him connected to what’s happening in his world around him in the here and now.

(As a quick note… the reason men need so much respect as adults is because, as small boys, the message they heard the most was, “Your feelings really don’t matter.”

Boys are typically not allowed to express their feelings because it is seen as weak or feminine. Yet, when their feelings were dismissed, the only conclusion that 7 year old boy made was, “I’m being rejected.” And so, he spends the rest of his life trying to find unconditional acceptance.)

3. You Fight About The Fight, Instead Of About The Issue

It’s been two hours, and you and your husband have been walking around each other, avoiding eye contact and not saying a word. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Finally, your husband approaches you and awkwardly tries to reengage.

As the conversation starts to roll again, he lets out a big sigh and drops his head.

And you become instantly triggered.

You stop talking about whatever it was you were talking about, and you let him know just how annoying his sigh is. While you’re at it, you might as well point out that the last two hours wouldn’t have been so quiet if only he hadn’t rolled his eyes after you shared your idea.

And the original topic of the fight is lost forever.

Once you change the subject and get several layers down into this pattern of conflict, it’s almost impossible for a man to climb his way back out.

And it’s usually at this point that you hear him say, with deep heaviness in his voice, “Just tell me what it is you want me to say so we can get this over with.”

Now I want to be perfectly clear—How a man communicates with you is just as important as what he is communicating about.

I don’t want you, wives, to have to endure passive aggressive behaviors, overtly aggressive behaviors, cutting and tearing remarks, invalidation, dismissive attitudes, and/or any sort of abuse.

You deserve to be treated with love and honor and care and compassion and tenderness.

It’s when those small hurtful behaviors show up in your husband and you instantly shift from the topic of the fight to how he’s behaving poorly that you’re going to start losing ground.

As soon as you point out the bad behavior in your man, he’s going to take it as a personal attack and his defenses go up. Anything you say after that is going to be dismissed or debated.

And the conflict will start to escalate.

This sudden shift in topics not only confuses your husband, it rarely makes it possible to find resolution to the original problem.

And that doesn’t work well for either one of you.

4. When He Pulls Away, You Start Pushing Harder

When your husband starts to pull away from you emotionally, either  because things are getting to intense or he just doesn’t know what to do, you start to feel scared and worried. This is because your safety and security are threatened—one of the worst feelings for a woman.

You start to see him as the problem and blame him for putting you in this situation. After all, “if he wouldn’t have pulled away or avoided the stuff that needed to be done to fix the situation, everything would be okay. Right?”

And so you start pushing him to fix his problem.

You start giving him self-help books. You schedule counseling sessions for him (most of which he cancels or no-shows). You leave him notes and quotes and scripture verses reminding him of how he is lacking in his husbandly duties.

You start reminding him, at every possible opportunity, just how bad things are. You point out exactly what he’s doing wrong and what he should do to fix it. You start to see how his “problem” is affecting every area of your home and so he becomes the villain as soon as he walks in the door.

Your attempts to “help” him by pointing out his flaws does exactly the opposite.

It pushes him further away. He realizes it is safer to put as much emotional, physical, and relational distance between the two of you so he doesn’t continue to get attacked. He digs in and becomes highly self-protective. He covers his head and vows to say nothing else, because “he doesn’t want to make things worse.”

Ladies. The intensity of your assault is fueled by your own fear.

It is your active panic that puts a huge burden on your man.

When he senses that he is now responsible for your emotional stability as well as his responsibility to fix the original problem, it becomes too much for him, and he starts to implode.

If you truly want to help your husband, work on dealing with your own fear and emotional intensity without putting it on him. Vent to your friends (as long as they are safe, healthy friends). See a counselor yourself. Journal. Run. Exercise. Whatever. Just don’t put it on him directly.

Tip #5—Believe it or not, the best way to get him to change his behaviors is to start working on your behaviors.

Take responsibility for the things you’re contributing to the problems in your marriage. Say nothing about what he is doing and only fix your stuff.

Be patient. Give him some time to notice what you’re doing.

By doing this, he’ll actually start to feel respected and cared for. And when your man feels respected, he’ll rise to the occasion and become willing to admit the wrong stuff he’s been doing.

5. You Forget About Your Husband’s Feelings

Every woman I have sat with in couples counseling has this overwhelming desire to be understood.

You ache to be heard.

You share over and over, in 23 different ways, what it is you’re thinking and feeling, in the hope that your husband will finally get it, connect to it, internalize it, and then magically communicate to you how important your feelings are to him as well.

Your desire to be known is deep.

Yet, at the same time that energy within you is striving to be validated, you often forget that your husband also has intensely strong feelings.

Every intense feeling you are feeling—he is feeling. It may not be the same emotion, but it is the same intensity.

You might be sitting in strong sadness. He’s sitting in strong frustration.

You’re sitting in intense hurt and confusion. He’s sitting in intense frustration.

You’re experiencing deep loneliness. He’s experiencing deep frustration.

Somehow, men’s feeling have been forgotten. They have been ignored, minimized, trivialized, mocked, rebuked, and shamed. Their intense and very real experiences have been denied. And so, men have learned to ignore, minimize, trivialize, mock, rebuke and shame themselves.

Wives—your husband needs an advocate in you.

Tip #6—Your husband needs to know that you know that he has feelings and that they are just as important as your feelings.

He needs to know that, sometimes, you will listen to his feelings first instead of pushing to have your feelings heard first.

Sometime, not every time, but sometimes, you might offer him the gift of not even sharing your feelings and only trying to understand him.

Again, you’re going to have to be patient. Men have forgotten how to talk and open up and share those things about themselves. Sometimes men themselves have no idea what they are experiencing.

That’s okay. Just the gesture of you attempting to validate his emotions will go a long way.

6. You Expect Your Husband To Read Your Mind (Just Because You’re Able To Read His)

Women have this weird, sixth sense thing going on. You’re able to perceive things that men are generally clueless to.

I can’t tell you exactly why you have it, but I suspect is has something to do the the high level of emotional integration in your brain. Whatever the case, because you’re able to do it, you expect your husbands to be able to do it too.

Not so the case.

Tip #7—Men don’t normally pick up on the signs that something is wrong. They need to be told directly, in short, simple sentences, what you’re feelings and thinking and experiencing.

When you’re upset, and your husband asks, “What’s wrong?” and you give the answer of, “Really? You don’t know what you did?” it immediately frustrates and handicaps your husband.

It forces your husband to play defense. It produces a profound shift in power, because you hold more information about the situation that you’re not willing to share.

What’s even more tragic is when you respond as if he’s done something wrong for not being able to read your mind.

When you feel hurt because “he should already know what he did” and treat him as if he’s insensitive or clueless, you’re making a huge, and often wrong, assumption about his motivations.

Punishing your husband for something he is unaware of is not helpful to your marriage.

When he asks you, “What’s wrong?”, answer him in a kind, but direct tone.

Tell him, “When you did ________ it makes me think or feel ________” Be specific about his behavior, but never assume about his motivation, or why he did what he did.

Give him the benefit of the doubt.

7. Forgiveness Is A Hard Thing To Do

A fight is hard enough when you have to deal with the one issue at hand.

When you bring in unresolved issues and situations from years-gone-by, it’s almost impossible to find true resolution.

Bringing up past wrongs never lets your husband move past his mistakes and make a new name for himself.

It’s like telling Michael Jordan, “Yeah, you’re a pretty good basketball player now, but that doesn’t really matter. For a while back there, you really sucked. And that’s how I’m going to choose to remember you.”

A practical definition of forgiveness is: No longer holding past wrongs against someone.

It means that, even though they messed up, you choose not to use that information against them. You take the loss, and never try to get what is rightfully owed you.

That is not an easy thing for everyone, not just you.

But, being able to offer forgiveness is essential if you are going to change your marriage.

When you use all the past mistakes as ammunition against your husband, you once again start tearing down who he is as a person. You are using those past wrongs to define who he is. You are shaming him.

Your husband needs to know that, despite his mistakes, he is still going to be unconditionally accepted and appreciated. He needs to know that he is okay even when his behavior isn’t.

When your man knows he’s safe, he’ll turn the world upside down for you. He’ll live up to the full potential he has as a man. He’ll be the first one to admit when he is wrong, and then do everything in his power to change it.

He’ll finally be the man you want him to be.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll have the marriage you’ve always wanted.

One Last Thought

I know that your husband has hurt you in the past (or maybe just a few minutes ago).

If he feels safe enough and strong enough, he can also be the person who provides healing for you.

Give him the opportunity to try.

Don’t perpetually punish him. Don’t put him in the dog house. Don’t make him sleep on the couch. Don’t shut him out.

Be open and receptive to him, even while you’re hurt. Your softness will more than likely help him become softer towards you.

Someone’s got to go first. Why not chose to be that person.

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Your home, which is supposed to be a safe place, has been turned into a battle zone. You’re doing everything you can just to keep your head above water, but you’re not sure how much longer you can stay afloat.

When your relationship in this place, both you and your spouse will start resorting to more and more desperate measures to get your needs met.

You’ll start fighting about how you’re fighting. You’ll bring up past mistakes from 15 years ago. You’ll start finding flaws in anything and everything the other person is doing.

If you’re wanting things to get better, there are three essential tools both of you are going to need to learn how to use.

Tool #1—Stop Focusing On Everything Your Spouse Is Doing Wrong

Yes, you spouse is making mistakes. Yes, you have legitamate complaints about what they’re doing.

But, when you stop and think about it, is there anything you can really do to make them change?

Not really.

Your spouse has to want to change before they’re going to accept input and critique from you. They have to be open and receptive instead of closed off, protective, and defensive.

Spending all that time and energy trying to make them change is wasted time and energy.

Instead, take responsibility for what you’re doing wrong. Be brutally honest with yourself and fess up to what you’re contributing to the problems in the household.

Start making an effort to change your behavior, regardless of what the other person is doing.

When you play the, “I’ll change if they change first” game, you’re actually giving them all of your power. You’re putting yourself in a dependent, submissive position instead of a position of strength. You’re saying, “I can’t make a decision for myself. I have to wait for someone else to give me permission before I do the right thing.”

I’m pretty sure that’s not the place you want to be.

Tool #2—Get On The Same Page

Even when you’re at odds with your spouse, there are things that you’re going to agree upon. Finding those things is essential to moving forward.

The very first issue you should focus on is, “Do we want to stay together?”

If both of you say ‘yes’ then you’re moving in the same direction. You may disagree how to get there, but at least you have the same destination in mind.

Once you agree, it may be time to bring in a travel guide… someone who knows how to get from where you’re at to where you want your marriage to be. They can keep both of you from wasting your time with all the distractions and side trips that delay the process.

Plus, they can be the objective voice in your relationship. Because they don’t have anything personally invested in the outcome, they will tell both of you what is the best way to fix the specific issues each one of you is having.

(By the way, agreeing on couples counseling is another area where both of you are on the same page… See how easy it is!)

Tool #3—Be Open To ANY Small Attempts And Changes In Your Spouse

This may be the hardest of the three essential tools to master.

Because you’ve spent plenty of time sitting in the “this-person-will-never-change” place, you’ve desensitized yourself to any positive changes in your spouse. You’ve trained your eye to catch all the bad behaviors while filtering out all the good ones.

When you’re first learning how to be open to your spouse again, when they do make a small positive gesture, you’re going to be tempted to respond with ”That’s it? That’s all you got? You want me to get excited about that tiny little step when there’s so much other crap that needs to dealt with?”

It’s important to catch that thought as soon as possible, and replace it with, “Yeah, we’ve got a long way to go (and I wish this was going faster), but I’m going to accept the fact that they’re trying and we’re now one step closer.”

Fixing your marriage crisis isn’t going to happen in one big leap. It’s the collection of a thousand small positive steps that will make things better.

(In case you’re wondering what does happen when there is a lack of openness on your part towards your spouse’s positive steps? The criticalness and attacking tone will more than likely cause your spouse to say, “See! I knew it was useless to even try. Nothing I do is good enough any ways, so why keep trying.” And then you’re right back to square one.)

Now What?

If you know you’re marriage is in crisis… if you want to fix it… and if you think that these tools are something you’d like to learn, then the next step is to get your spouse on board (Tool #2).

The easiest way to do that is to have them read this post and then put Tool #1 into practice.

Admit to them that you know you’ve been doing some stuff to mess up the marriage and that you’re willing to work on your stuff.

Remember! Do not point out what they’re doing wrong. Don’t have any expectations that they will admit they’re doing stuff wrong as well. Only take responsibility for what you’ve been doing. And then keep your mouth shut.

Once they’ve heard you (and picked up their jaw off the floor) ask if they’d be willing to talk with someone that you both feel comfortable with.

If they agree, then you’re on your way to getting this stuff worked out.

If they don’t agree, go ahead and take responsibility for yourself, and schedule an appointment with a couples counselor by yourself. Getting some objective input on what you can do will always be helpful.

These tools are relatively simple to use. Mastering these tools will take time, effort, and lots of practice. But keep practicing. In the long run, you may just end up with the vibrant, loving relationship you’ve always wanted to have.

It becomes a crisis when the important things are missed.

This is your wake up call.

Some of this stuff you arent’ going to like. Some of this stuff is going to be hard to hear.

(And, NO, I’m not going to play fairsies and point out all the stuff she’s doing to mess up the marriage as well. I’ll do that later).

This is about you right now—the things you have done to contribute to the mess. This is your half and the things you’re responsible for.

These are the answers to that huge “How did things end up like this” question you’ve had in your head for the last 6 months.

This is why your marriage is in crisis

1. The relationship stuff isn’t a priority to you

You’ve got a limited amount of energy and attention to give. Chances are, you spend more time trying to be better at your job, at your hobby, at your sport, than you do at your marriage.

You put more thought and intention into getting better at the tasks of life rather than the relationships with your wife.

You plan ahead for the projects and how you’ll be successful at those things. You go in early, stay late, think about the projects while you’re away from work, focus on the problem, come up with solutions, move on to the next problem, over and over and over again.

And this is all necessary to make life work. I get that.

But, what would happen if you put the same mental energy into understanding your wife… learning about her and her needs… understanding what makes her tick… figuring her out (yes, she can be understood)… and then planning ahead with intentionality and purpose to meet those needs… to create something that feeds into her soul and heart and spirit and makes her feel loved and special and important.

When you find the balance, and relational stuff becomes AS important as the task stuff—that’s when your marriage will start to be much better.

2. You went on auto pilot once you got married

Here’s how it works:

You saw the girl… pursued the girl… dated the girl… won over her heart and her friends and her parents… engaged the girl… wed the girl… and then stopped all further pursuit of her heart, both now and into the foreseeable future.

It takes energy to win a woman’s heart. More than likely, you did well in that department. After all, she said yes when you asked her to marry you. Right?

But that’s when you stopped putting forth any sort of energy into the marriage.

There is the belief that the goal is marriage. That’s the end prize. Once you’ve achieved that goal, then you don’t have to work anymore.

Sorry, but that’s not how it works.

The reality is, that’s just the first quarter of the game.

You have to stay engaged and intentional for the last three quarters. You have to play hard on every play. You have to fight till the last two minutes of the games, the last 30 seconds, the last play of the game.

You have to work and  fight for the next 50 years of your marriage.

There are no short cuts. There is no easy button.

You’re going to have to start dating your wife again. You’re going to have to think how she’ll respond to certain things you say, certain things you do.

You’re going to have to win her over every morning of every day for the rest of your lives together.

3. You’ve never been trained how to do relationships

To continue the sports metaphor, you’ve never been coached on how to woo a woman.

Learning how to do relationship well is not an inherent skill that every man is born with. It takes being taught to truly be able to master this skill set.

Understanding a woman is like learning a whole new language—literally.

They use the same words for lots of stuff, but it has entirely different meanings. If you’ve never been taught that dialect, how in the world do you expect to be able to have a vibrant relationship with a woman?

I’d bet good money that your father never took the time to teach you why a woman says what she says… does what she does…thinks what she thinks. I’d bet good money that your father was as lost as you are.

And so you learned to just muddle your way through the relationship stuff.

You’re going to have to find a coach. You’re going to have to be the newbie who sucks at everything for a while until it starts to make sense and you’re able to make some of this relationship stuff work. You’re going to have to be open to looking bad for a while, and somehow get comfortable with that.

When you finally do find a good coach, your game is going to get much better much faster than you could ever do it on your own.

4. It’s easier to shut down than it is to try

Your favorite coping mechanism when things get dicey is to just shut down.

“Don’t say anything. Don’t do anything. Don’t move. It will probably make things worse. If I just ignore it, then things will just smooth out on their own and we can get back to normal around here.”

Obviously, that doesn’t work at all (or else it wouldn’t have made the list). Avoiding the issues only makes things worse.

In fact, disengaging is probably one of the worst things you can do.  It makes your wife panic and move into either über helpless mode or über controlling mode, and neither one works out great for you.

It is going to be essential for you to start dealing with the issues between you and your wife. You’re going to have to be the one who instigates some of the conversations. You’re the one who needs to make the calls to the people who can help you both move through this situation. You’re the one who has to be able to endure some level of healthy conflict and be willing to say, “This marriage is so important to me that I’m willing to be really uncomfortable right now.”

When you engage, it tells your wife that she is important enough to fight for, that the marriage is important enough to fight for, and that you’re important enough to fight for.

5. You’re afraid of feelings

There’s a sign that hangs in my office that says, “Men have feelings too… But who really cares.”

You’re not going to like this, but men are more controlled by their feelings than women are. You’re not as transparent about them because you’ve gotten pretty good at hiding your feelings, but you are most definitely governed by your feelings more than your head.

There’s two main problems when it comes to your feelings:

1. First, you don’t actually know what you’re feeling at any given point, so how the hell are you supposed to talk about something you can’t find. And…
2. Secondly, on the occasion when you do know what you’re feeling, talking about your feelings makes you feel weak and less masculine.

The first one is easy. You can learn how to become aware of the emotions that govern your decisions (back to the coaching thing).

The second one is going to take some work.

It’s not commonly known, and only a small percentage of men ever learn this skill, but there is a way for you, as a man, to identify, express, and discuss your feelings without it feeling like you have to grow a pair.

To become a truly influential man—to become a leader—it is essential to understand why you do what you do. That includes the feelings and emotions of any given situation.

6. You’re only focused on what to do instead of how to do it

Getting a task done, at any cost, works well in some places. But it doesn’t work well in a relationship.

Picture the last time you had a fight with your wife. Remember that part where she said something, you rolled your eyes, and then she said, “You’re not listening to me.”

At that point, with the smugness of a conquering army, you repeat word-for-word the last thing she said, proving her wrong, and demonstrating to her how “right” you are.

The way you proved your “rightness” was so utterly wrong that you completely lost the battle with your wife. (She’s right by the way… you didn’t really hear her.)

How you communicate, with openness, kindness, understanding, patience, love, and understanding is just as important as what you’re trying to communicate.

Here’s the problem… The military (and most business settings) don’t really care how you feel about the command that was just given to you. As long as you get the job done, your feelings about the job don’t really matter.

But this mentality will kill your marriage.

You have to give as much attention and weight to how you’re doing things and how it makes your wife feel for you to have a healthy marriage. Without it… if you’re only focused on tasks… then you end up being married to a roommate who’s going to start shopping around for a better place to live.

7. You don’t like to ask for help

TV, movies, YouTube, radio shows, cartoons… all of these have mocked the counseling process. (Take a look at one of my favorites.) The stereo-typical image of two dudes, sitting in an office, talking about your feelings and why the color yellow makes you sad.

Asking for help means you have to admit that something is broken. And if something is broken, that means that something is wrong with you. And why in the world would you want to purposely look at that stuff, let alone have some complete stranger see all that stuff as well.

Those things might be what you tell yourself… but they’re also a lie.

Asking for help may mean that you have to swallow your pride. But isn’t that a price you’re willing to pay if it means keeping your marriage and family together?

If you and your wife were walking down the street together, and a man jumped out from a dark alley and took a swing at your wife with a 2×4, I know you would instinctually sweep your wife behind you and take the full force of the hit. (and then you might do some hitting of your own.)

You’re built to do hard and painful things. You’re built to fight for things. That’s what makes you a feel like a man.

Step into this hard season, purposefully  and intentionally… take the lead and ask for help from someone who knows how to help you and your wife deal with the crap that needs to be dealt with.

Okay, Now What?

If some of these things (or all of them) seem to be where you’re at, you need to know one very important fact.

You can change these things.

You’re not stuck. You’re not permanently screwed. You don’t have to throw your hands up, bail out of your bad situation, and spread the cancer to the next relationship.

But you do need to find someone who knows what to do.

You’re going to want to find someone you trust, tell them that things are pretty bad at home, and start asking around to see if they know of anyone who does some hard-core marriage counseling. ( I usually ask the guys who were screwed up but are now doing better. Obviously something worked for them.)

If you’ve never done counseling, don’t worry. It’s not like it is on TV. (And if it is, run far away from that guy and TRY AGAIN with someone else.)

If you need some more ideas of what counseling is all about and what it should look like, try the following links and posts:

• Never Done Counseling? Start Here For Step By Step Instructions On How To Make The First Appointment
• What A Good Counselor Should Look Like
• 6 Reasons Why Counseling Works

Last, But Not Least

We’d all like things to get better over night. But even the best counselor can’t work miracles.

It takes time for things to heal… even relationships.

If things are pretty bad, then you can count on a solid year of hard work between you and your wife.

That means every week, sitting down together with you, your wife, and the counselor, and getting all this stuff worked out. The counselor is going to ask questions you won’t like. Things will get heated. Stuff will be exposed.

But stuff will finally be getting dealt with.

And when that happens, things get better.

I promise.

6 months ago, while drying off after taking my morning shower, I noticed something fall out of the towel that I was using to dry my hair and face.

When I looked down, I saw a large… red… thick… hairy spider sitting in the bottom of the tub.

After screaming like a girl (and making sure he didn’t have a brother hanging out with him in the towel) I finished drying off and grabbed my camera. (Yep… that’s the actual spider in the picture. I put the razor next to him for size comparison.)

For the rest of the day, I had a serious case of the heebie jeebies, and it felt like I had little hairy legs crawling up and down my neck.

That’s Not The Worst Part

That morning was definitely not a gold star type of morning.

But, what’s even more disturbing, is the fact that a 5 second experience on one random Tuesday morning in July has now permanently shaped what I do each morning.

Since that day, every time I reach for my towel, the first thing I do is give it a good shake to make sure that there are no more spiders waiting to get me.

Doing The Math

I have been alive approximately 1,292,976,000 seconds so far. (That’s 1 Billion with a ‘B’).

The shower-spider incident lasted approximately 25 seconds.

That leaves 1,292, 975,975 positive, wonderful, non-spider filled seconds in my life.

Yet, I still shake out the damn towel.

Scary Situations Change Everything

It doesn’t take much for something to change your view of the world.

For me, it was a brief encounter with an arachnid, and now my morning routine is shifted forever.

Can you imagine how a young child has their world changed when, in the midst of playful innocence, someone they trust inappropriately touches them.

Do you think they will ever play the same way again?

How Their World Changes

Little Suzy is 6 years old. She is enjoying playing with her older brother and his friend because they never let her play with them. She’s excited and feels special because her brother, for once, seems to be enjoying having her part of the game.

She’s laughing and excited and not worried about anything.

Then, from no where, she feels a hand come from behind and touch her in a place she knows is personal and private.

She freezes. She doesn’t know what is happening or why this is happening. The only thing she knows is that she doesn’t like it and just hopes that, if she sits still enough and doesn’t move, then whatever is happening will stop and the scary feelings will go away.

After 10 seconds, the hand moves away and everything is back to “normal”.

But it isn’t.

Nothing Will Ever Be Normal Again

For that little girl, that 10 second experience forever changes the way she plays.

Now, instead of just innocently playing and being fully involved in whatever game is going on, she is “aware” and “on guard” of who is around her, where they are sitting, how they are moving, and what they are doing.

She is perpetually making sure she is safe and not in a place where she will be surprised by anyone.

Her body is no longer relaxed and free.

She is tense and anxious. Her shoulders and neck are always stiff from being pulled up against her head as a natural form of self-protection.

She startles easily when someone approaches her from behind or to the side and may actually be getting angry much more often for “no apparent reason.” Because she’s more reactive, her parents start to discipline her more because she’s not their good little girl anymore.

And so the cycle grows.

It’s Not A Little Thing

There is the mistaken belief that says, “Unless something BIG happens to you, you’re not really hurt.”

And so, if you are reactive because of a “little” thing, then there must be something wrong with you. You must be broken.

The solution (and sometime your solution as well)—”Just get over it.”

That would be like saying, “Yeah, a big hairy spider was in your towel. It didn’t bite you. It didn’t hurt you. Just don’t think about it every time you reach for your towel.”

Believe me when I tell you, I don’t consciously try to recall the spider incident every morning. It just shows up, whether I want it to or not.

I can no more “just not think about it” as I can teleport to my office every morning.

When it comes to scary and overwhelming situations, it doesn’t matter how big or small they are. It is your perception of the event that determines how intensely they will affect you.

 Okay, So Now What?

I tell this story because I want you to understand that what you  are feeling is real. The fear and anxiety and worry and concern is real. It isn’t just something that you can “get over”.

It’s common for abuse survivors to tell themselves that “it wasn’t that big-a-deal”, but I don’t know why I still feel this way? I must be crazy. There must be something wrong with me.

You’re not crazy!

You’re wounded… but you’re definitely not crazy.

The other thing that I’d want you to hear is, “You’re not destined to be guarded and reactive the rest of your life.”

You are equipped with the profound capacity to heal. You can grow and change. You are self-aware and are capable of understanding why-you-do-what-you-do and therefore you have choice.

For me, I get to start working through my fear of towel spiders.

For you, if you’ve experienced something like the little girl in this story, you get to start learning how to understand what your body is going through and how to trust and play and laugh again.

You can be different.

In fact, when you do fear that those painful emotions will last forever you may avoid moving through them.

That avoidance is what makes those painful feelings last much longer than they normally would.

This video talks about how to understand those painful feelings and how to give yourself permission to move through them in the best way possible.

I came across this approach the other day and think it might be useful.

Let me know what you think.

Instant feelings of anxiety, panic… tight chests, headaches, stomach aches, sweating, etc… all of these can be strange and upsetting.

Unwanted sexual responses can be especially uncomfortable and highly confusing.

Why does this happen?

This is the most common question asked, second only to “How do I make them stop.”

The other day I came across a wonderful story that explains how bodily sensations become connected to events and experiences. I put the story in a quick podcast episode and then explained how it relates to your physical reactions.

The podcast is under 5 minutes, so take just a moment and learn why your body does what it does.

Enjoy.