Motivating Children

Parents spend a great deal of time and energy trying to figure out how to motivate their children.

They use the carrot and stick approach. When the carrot doesn’t work, they get out the stick.

Parental influence based on lectures, demands, punishment, or incentives can be deceiving. Your child may appear to be doing better, but problems occur when the outside motivator is removed.

You cannot change your child’s mind through external motivation. All outside motivation is temporary.

You cannot be with your child forever; he eventually will go off on his own. Your job, as a parent, is to prepare your child for the real world. If your child is not internally motivated, he is left no choice but to find another external motivator or flounder. If you control, enable, or rescue your child, don’t expect him to be responsible as a young adult.

Self-accountability is a skill that needs to be developed long before leaving home. This might explain why a disturbing number of college freshmen who go away to school don’t make it past the first year. They do not possess the self-discipline and inner drive necessary to succeed independently.

Attitudes

You cannot motivate your child, but you can do the things that will improve his attitude and self-motivation.

Permanent change requires a shift in attitude. The better your child’s attitude, the more likely he is to succeed.

Our attitudes are key ingredients in the overall quality of our lives. It’s our attitude that motivates us to deal with challenges and accomplish goals. A child with a positive attitude motivates himself. You cannot help a child develop a positive attitude by using put-downs, criticism, and hostility. These only further reinforce his negative mindset.

Self-Image

If you want to change your child’s attitude, you must help him change how he views himself.

Each of us carries a mental image of ourselves, defining who we are and what we can do. These core beliefs develop based on early experiences with attachment figures. Our actions, feelings, and abilities are consistent with our self-image.

Wounded children have a very damaged sense of self-worth, often feeling worthless, unlovable, and inadequate. Their core underlying feelings are fear and powerlessness.

A child who sees himself as a failure will find a way to fail.

A child who sees himself as unlikable invites rejection and drives away the very approval he seeks, thus confirming his negative self-image.

How To Change Self-Image

Change the self-image and you change the behavior.

The self-image is changed, for better or worse, through experiences.

The best way to help your child change a belief acquired through a life experience is to provide an alternative life experience.

Children cannot be taught about love, empathy, and compassion; they must experience it. They can only become what they experience. They require relationships which promote self-worth and dignity, which enables them to reevaluate their beliefs and see themselves in a new light.

Internal Motivators

To be successful, motivation must come from within, not from the outside. We can only truly be motivated when we feel like we are in charge of our own lives.

In learning any task, if the learner feels in control, a wider range of significant learning occurs.

True leaders strengthen their followers. They set a positive example and empower those under them.

Positive esteem can only be developed in a positive atmosphere, containing safety, trust, connection, and enthusiasm.

Positive role models create a climate in which their children feel comfortable being themselves.

Children can only change when they feel accepted for who they are. The better they feel about themselves, the more likely they are to do the things that are in their own and others’ best interests.

Source

Michael Orlans, M.A., D.A.P.A., and Terry Levy, Ph.D., B.C.F.E., Co-Directors of the Evergreen Psychotherapy Center.

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Her words are always better than mine. Please take 20 minutes today, order a good cup of coffee, and listen to her presentation from beginning to end.

Things To Be Watching For

Two major scripts that play in your life:

• “You’re never going to be good enough.” If you overcome that one, then…
• “Who do you think you are?”

Shame for women “Do it all. Do it perfectly. Never let them see you sweat.”

Shame for men is “Do not be perceived as weak.”

“Shame is an epidemic in our culture. We need to understand how it impacts how we relate to each other… how we parent our kids.”

“Empathy is the antidote to shame.”

“The two most powerful words when we are in struggle—Me Too!”

I’ve recently come across an excellent Feeling Words Chart that will help you:

• Gauge how intense your feelings are.
• Help you clarify if they’re good or bad.
• Help you find more specific words for what you’re feeling.

There is a printed version of the chart available as well. Enjoy.

Feelings Word Chart

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

The Right Way To Apologize

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, but whether I meant to or not, I obviously did. For that, I feel really bad.”

 

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As a therapist, I’d like to think that I have these awesome skills and techniques that make people better.

But, according to lots and lots of studies from really smart people, the specific type of therapeutic technique that is used doesn’t really matter.

What does matter is the quality of the therapeutic relationship.

Basically, what that means is, “Do you like your therapist?” and “Do you trust your therapist?”

When Trust Is A Trigger

If you’re an abuse survivors, trusting someone can be incredibly difficult. Here’s why…

Since you’re an abuse survivor, you were probably taken through something called the grooming process.

The grooming process is when your offender did nice things to you and for you in order to increase your level of trust in them. They wanted you to trust them so that your defenses would be lowered and they would be able to have some sort of power over you.

Bu when that trust was then betrayed, and you ended up scared and hurt, there was this little switch that went off in your head that said, “This happened because I let my guard down. This happened because I trusted them.”

Fast forward to today, and you’re sitting in an office with your counselor. You’ve spent the last 4 months talking with him every week, slowly warming up to him as you talk about things that are more and more personal.

He gently, but intentionally, is encouraging you to trust him by asking you to expose more of your story so that he can help you.

But there’s this resounding alarm in your head going off that says, “WARNING! WARNING! The last time you trusted, you got burned. Don’t trust this guy either.”

This warning alarm is very normal. It goes off when you feel like you’re being groomed again.

The problem is, sometimes the grooming alarm goes off when there is no real danger.

Trusting and grooming are not the same thing.

Trust Is Not The Enemy

Learning to trust your counselor is one of the essential steps in recovery.

Practicing sitting in that uncomfortable place with him… risking being hurt again… battling all of the warning alarms in your head… all of these are the foundational aspects of truly recovering as an abuse survivor.

When you experience someone genuinely caring for you, not to get something from you for their own personal satisfaction, but because you are valuable and worthy of being cared for… when you move through that experience… it starts to challenge the deeply engrained beliefs about yourself and the world around you.

And once you find out what it feels like to trust your counselor, you’ll be able to apply those same skills to the relationship with your  husband or wife, with your co-workers and friends, with your family and with your Creator.

Trust is now a re-learned skill.

You knew how to do it once by instinct. Now you do it by choice.

Post Script

The image used in this post had this caption under it:

“I bought a house a few years ago. It had been recently painted and this word was scratched on one door. It was a time when I needed to trust as things were going very badly.”

Sometimes, the messages we need the most show up in the strangest places.

What Is Your Manifesto?

What are the things you so believe in that you are willing to put pen and ink to them and declare them to the world?

What are the things you can’t help not talk about?

What are you willing to be known for, brazenly and unapologetically?

What is your personal manifesto?

I Dare You

Write your manifesto.

Send it to me.

I’ll publish it.

And come what may.

So say we all.

Alright guys. You’re gonna hate this one.

I know you’re not going to like this topic, but it’s a pretty important one. Because, if you don’t get this dialed in, any relationship you have with you wife or girlfriend will be kind of messed up.

We’re talking about empathy. We’re talking about… the ability to hurt because she is hurting.

Now most men, when you woman is in pain, we adopt the typical masculine approach, which sounds like, “Dude. Just stop hurting. Get over it.”

That kind of works with other men, but when it comes to the women folk, that doesn’t cut it so much.

Instead, what tends to work a lot better, is if you’re able to actually, legitimately (you don’t have to fake it) be able to hurt because she hurts.

If you can do that, you can become connected to her in such a way that you are going to gain points in ways that you can’t believe.

Here’s what I do.

I image if somebody else had done something to my wife… if someone else had hurt my wife in this way… what would I be feeling inside? Would I be defensive? Would I be protective? Would I feel bad for her? Would I be bugged at the person who hurt her?

If any of those things are there, that is that protective quality you have for your wife.

You need to be able to tap into that, because, if those are the feelings that show up if someone else hurts her, then, when you hurt her, even if you caused the pain, she needs to know that you hurt because she hurts.

It’s not always the easiest thing to get to right away, but when you make that transition, you’re going to be dealing with the actual pain of her heart which is going to provide the most healing and bring you both back together as close as possible, as soon as possible, so you don’t have to be in a fight for three days, walking around with that tension in the air, thick enough that you could cut with a knife.

We’ve all been there, done that… that’s not a real good way to spend a day, especially if there’s a football game on.

So, to get reconnected with you wife as soon as possible, always imagine “if someone else had caused this pain in her, what would I be feeling?” If you can feel that for her, then see if you can there, even if you caused that pain.

Give it a try. I think it will work.

Getting unstuck when that feeling overwhelms you is one of the first steps in recovery.

The following video is a quick explanation of what happens when you get frozen and how a trauma therapist will help you process through that experience.

Transcript Of The Video

For trauma victims, normal, everyday life isn’t just normal everyday life.

Imagine you’re walking down the street and enjoying the scenery.

You notice the grass, the signs, the buildings… you’re enjoying the weather and you’re not thinking of anything specific.

Suddenly, you’re aware of a scary person you hadn’t noticed before.

You stop…

You hold your breath…

The only thing that you are aware of is that one specific person.

All that you had perceived a moment ago—the grass, buildings, signs, everything— is gone…
Or is it?

In reality, nothing is gone. It’s all still there. It all still exists.

The only thing that has happened is your perception has constricted to focus only on the portion of the scene that is a threat.

Most everything else retreats into the background—into the hidden crevices of your mind—so as not to distract you from what you must do—which is keep your attention solely focused on the scary person.

Sometimes, you can get stuck in this place. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to pull yourself out of the experience. You’re now trapped and frozen with fear.

When this happens on a daily basis, or sometimes multiple times a day, it can become highly disruptive and even debilitating.

That’s when a trauma therapist can step in and teach you how to get yourself out of the moments when you’re paralyzed by fear.

Here’s how it works:
While in session, you’ll be asked to bring up a scenario that creates the same feelings of fear, panic, and creates that constricted perspective.

You’ll probably only be able aware of the uncomfortable sensations in your body—your heart beating out of your chest, your throat feeling tight, the desire to run for the door… All of those may feel overwhelming.

That’s when the therapist will slowly start to draw your attention outward. He’ll help you become aware of all the things that are around you and have been around you the whole time.

He’ll remind you to breath. He’ll have you feel the floor pushing up against your feet. He’ll help you notice the grass, and the signs, and the sounds, and the smells, and the sensations all around you.

He’ll start to expand your perspective and help you realize that the scary and uncomfortable things are just one small part of your overall experience you’re having in that moment. This will help to ground you.

It will remind you of what is really real.

It will take a little bit of practice to get good at it, but once you do, you’ll be able to pull yourself out of those times when you feel stuck, or, even better, prevent yourself from sliding into those moments when you feel frozen and overwhelmed with fear in the first place.

If you want to do some more reading on trauma and how to process through it, the concepts in this video were taken from Peter Levine’s book In An Unspoken Voice, with the subtitle How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. I’d highly recommend it.

A week or so ago, I wrote about the 7 things men do to contribute to their marriage crisis.

Ladies, now it’s your turn.

Because of how you’re wired, you bring your own unique dynamics to a relationship in crisis.

You may not have all of these, but chances are, if your marriage is in a really bad place right now, you’ve been guilty of one or two of these things.

Ready? Here we go…

1. You Say Mean Things

Women, when you are hurt or scared, you say things to your husband that he would never consider saying to you.

You probably don’t know it, but one of the most common weapons a wife uses against her husband is to attack his character—who he is as a person.

Here’s some of the more common things I’ve heard women say to men while sitting in my office:

• “You’re acting childish.”
• “Grow up.”
• “When are you going to start acting like a man?”
• “Why don’t you grow a pair.”
• “You’re the only man who …”

These comments have a way of cutting a man so deeply that, often times, it is hard for him to recover.

Once your husband is in that place… instead of him lashing back with the same type of verbal attacks, he’ll start to go underground. He’ll start to pull away, physically, emotionally, relationally, sexually, just to keep himself out of the line of fire.

Why does he go silent?

Because he is wired for respect (even when he’s not acting respectfully, he’s still inherently wired for it).

Out of respect, he would never consider saying those type of deeply hurting things to you. In fact, he’d rather take the verbal hits from you, and then internally justify his pulling away from you. (see #2 in this list to understand the importance of respect.)

When he starts to pull away, that makes you want to start pushing even harder to get him to engage (see #3 in this list). And then the cycle continues.

If you recognize that you’ve been guilty of verbally tearing down your husband, here’s a couple things you can do to start to change.

First, always talk about your feelings, not his character.

Here’s what it sounds like:

“When you do…” (talk about the observable facts of the situation) “… it makes me feel hurt, sad, misunderstood, frustrated, or all of the above plus some.”

It’s going to be tempting to talk about his motivation or the reason why he’s doing what he’s doing. You’re going to be making some big assumptions about his heart or his thinking when you do that, and nothing frustrates a husband more than being told what he his thinking.

Talk only about the observable facts, tell him how it affects you. And then close your mouth.

Rest.

Let it sink in for a moment.

He still may not get it, but at least you’re not making the situation worse by attacking his character. He’ll be able to stay engaged longer, which gives you more of a chance of being heard and understood.

Secondly, if you have done this in the past—apologize.

Taking responsibility for your poor behavior towards your husband is a huge sign of respect. It makes it feel like everything isn’t being blamed on him and you’ll have a more captive audience because he’ll be willing to listen more.

And here’s a tip—when you do say sorry to him, there is one essential element that needs to be included—actual sorrow.

Your apology needs to be authentic. He needs to see your sorrow for him to believe you or else he’s just going to feel like he’s being manipulated.

Tip #2—any apology that is followed with a “… but…” is not an apology.

The word but is actually used to contradict whatever it is modifying. As soon as you add a big but to your apology, you might as well say, “Ignore everything I just said in that apology and listen to what’s really important to me right now.”

Words are very important to men. Choose them carefully and you’ll get much farther much faster in the restoration process.

2. You Haven’t Learned How Important Respect Is To Your Husband

It’s something of a mystery for most women, but respect is the life blood for men.

As a woman, you are inherently wired for love, so you have to learn how to do respect. It doesn’t come naturally. It’s something you have to work at.

Tip #3—Respect is defined as unconditionally accepting your man, even when you disagree with his position or behavior.

When one man is debating another guy, they might speak strongly, passionately, intensely— even attackingly with each other. But they tend to only attack the issues. They rarely attack their opponent themselves. (At least not to their face).

In fact, the harder the opposition fights, the more respect men have for each other. (I know it doesn’t make sense. Just trust me on this.)

Because you’re a woman, your emotions are integrated into every area of your life. Issues are hard to compartmentalize. (Put another way, if someone doesn’t like your idea, it feels like they don’t like you.)

What this means for your marriage, and the fight you had with your husband last night is this… When your husband disagreed with your position on that thing you were discussing, you took it personally—as if he was rejecting all of you. And when you felt rejected, deeply and personally, you responded as if you’d just been shot through the heart. And because he rejected you (or it felt like he reject you), you lash back quickly and deeply with an attack on his character (see #1 in this list).

When this happens (and all of this happens in about 1.3 seconds), your husband is standing there wondering what the hell just happened. He’s saying, “I thought we were talking about the thing, and now you’re attacking me?”

Tip #4—Ladies, being able to separate out issues from personhood is essential if you’re going to be speaking to your man.

It is a little known fact, and something most guys won’t admit to (or are even aware of), but, “The most fragile thing on the planet is a male ego.”

Respect is that thing that says, “No matter what, you are okay. You are accepted. You are wanted. You are special.”

A man needs to hear a respectful tone in every exchange. It’s what keeps him grounded. It’s what keeps him connected to what’s happening in his world around him in the here and now.

(As a quick note… the reason men need so much respect as adults is because, as small boys, the message they heard the most was, “Your feelings really don’t matter.”

Boys are typically not allowed to express their feelings because it is seen as weak or feminine. Yet, when their feelings were dismissed, the only conclusion that 7 year old boy made was, “I’m being rejected.” And so, he spends the rest of his life trying to find unconditional acceptance.)

3. You Fight About The Fight, Instead Of About The Issue

It’s been two hours, and you and your husband have been walking around each other, avoiding eye contact and not saying a word. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Finally, your husband approaches you and awkwardly tries to reengage.

As the conversation starts to roll again, he lets out a big sigh and drops his head.

And you become instantly triggered.

You stop talking about whatever it was you were talking about, and you let him know just how annoying his sigh is. While you’re at it, you might as well point out that the last two hours wouldn’t have been so quiet if only he hadn’t rolled his eyes after you shared your idea.

And the original topic of the fight is lost forever.

Once you change the subject and get several layers down into this pattern of conflict, it’s almost impossible for a man to climb his way back out.

And it’s usually at this point that you hear him say, with deep heaviness in his voice, “Just tell me what it is you want me to say so we can get this over with.”

Now I want to be perfectly clear—How a man communicates with you is just as important as what he is communicating about.

I don’t want you, wives, to have to endure passive aggressive behaviors, overtly aggressive behaviors, cutting and tearing remarks, invalidation, dismissive attitudes, and/or any sort of abuse.

You deserve to be treated with love and honor and care and compassion and tenderness.

It’s when those small hurtful behaviors show up in your husband and you instantly shift from the topic of the fight to how he’s behaving poorly that you’re going to start losing ground.

As soon as you point out the bad behavior in your man, he’s going to take it as a personal attack and his defenses go up. Anything you say after that is going to be dismissed or debated.

And the conflict will start to escalate.

This sudden shift in topics not only confuses your husband, it rarely makes it possible to find resolution to the original problem.

And that doesn’t work well for either one of you.

4. When He Pulls Away, You Start Pushing Harder

When your husband starts to pull away from you emotionally, either  because things are getting to intense or he just doesn’t know what to do, you start to feel scared and worried. This is because your safety and security are threatened—one of the worst feelings for a woman.

You start to see him as the problem and blame him for putting you in this situation. After all, “if he wouldn’t have pulled away or avoided the stuff that needed to be done to fix the situation, everything would be okay. Right?”

And so you start pushing him to fix his problem.

You start giving him self-help books. You schedule counseling sessions for him (most of which he cancels or no-shows). You leave him notes and quotes and scripture verses reminding him of how he is lacking in his husbandly duties.

You start reminding him, at every possible opportunity, just how bad things are. You point out exactly what he’s doing wrong and what he should do to fix it. You start to see how his “problem” is affecting every area of your home and so he becomes the villain as soon as he walks in the door.

Your attempts to “help” him by pointing out his flaws does exactly the opposite.

It pushes him further away. He realizes it is safer to put as much emotional, physical, and relational distance between the two of you so he doesn’t continue to get attacked. He digs in and becomes highly self-protective. He covers his head and vows to say nothing else, because “he doesn’t want to make things worse.”

Ladies. The intensity of your assault is fueled by your own fear.

It is your active panic that puts a huge burden on your man.

When he senses that he is now responsible for your emotional stability as well as his responsibility to fix the original problem, it becomes too much for him, and he starts to implode.

If you truly want to help your husband, work on dealing with your own fear and emotional intensity without putting it on him. Vent to your friends (as long as they are safe, healthy friends). See a counselor yourself. Journal. Run. Exercise. Whatever. Just don’t put it on him directly.

Tip #5—Believe it or not, the best way to get him to change his behaviors is to start working on your behaviors.

Take responsibility for the things you’re contributing to the problems in your marriage. Say nothing about what he is doing and only fix your stuff.

Be patient. Give him some time to notice what you’re doing.

By doing this, he’ll actually start to feel respected and cared for. And when your man feels respected, he’ll rise to the occasion and become willing to admit the wrong stuff he’s been doing.

5. You Forget About Your Husband’s Feelings

Every woman I have sat with in couples counseling has this overwhelming desire to be understood.

You ache to be heard.

You share over and over, in 23 different ways, what it is you’re thinking and feeling, in the hope that your husband will finally get it, connect to it, internalize it, and then magically communicate to you how important your feelings are to him as well.

Your desire to be known is deep.

Yet, at the same time that energy within you is striving to be validated, you often forget that your husband also has intensely strong feelings.

Every intense feeling you are feeling—he is feeling. It may not be the same emotion, but it is the same intensity.

You might be sitting in strong sadness. He’s sitting in strong frustration.

You’re sitting in intense hurt and confusion. He’s sitting in intense frustration.

You’re experiencing deep loneliness. He’s experiencing deep frustration.

Somehow, men’s feeling have been forgotten. They have been ignored, minimized, trivialized, mocked, rebuked, and shamed. Their intense and very real experiences have been denied. And so, men have learned to ignore, minimize, trivialize, mock, rebuke and shame themselves.

Wives—your husband needs an advocate in you.

Tip #6—Your husband needs to know that you know that he has feelings and that they are just as important as your feelings.

He needs to know that, sometimes, you will listen to his feelings first instead of pushing to have your feelings heard first.

Sometime, not every time, but sometimes, you might offer him the gift of not even sharing your feelings and only trying to understand him.

Again, you’re going to have to be patient. Men have forgotten how to talk and open up and share those things about themselves. Sometimes men themselves have no idea what they are experiencing.

That’s okay. Just the gesture of you attempting to validate his emotions will go a long way.

6. You Expect Your Husband To Read Your Mind (Just Because You’re Able To Read His)

Women have this weird, sixth sense thing going on. You’re able to perceive things that men are generally clueless to.

I can’t tell you exactly why you have it, but I suspect is has something to do the the high level of emotional integration in your brain. Whatever the case, because you’re able to do it, you expect your husbands to be able to do it too.

Not so the case.

Tip #7—Men don’t normally pick up on the signs that something is wrong. They need to be told directly, in short, simple sentences, what you’re feelings and thinking and experiencing.

When you’re upset, and your husband asks, “What’s wrong?” and you give the answer of, “Really? You don’t know what you did?” it immediately frustrates and handicaps your husband.

It forces your husband to play defense. It produces a profound shift in power, because you hold more information about the situation that you’re not willing to share.

What’s even more tragic is when you respond as if he’s done something wrong for not being able to read your mind.

When you feel hurt because “he should already know what he did” and treat him as if he’s insensitive or clueless, you’re making a huge, and often wrong, assumption about his motivations.

Punishing your husband for something he is unaware of is not helpful to your marriage.

When he asks you, “What’s wrong?”, answer him in a kind, but direct tone.

Tell him, “When you did ________ it makes me think or feel ________” Be specific about his behavior, but never assume about his motivation, or why he did what he did.

Give him the benefit of the doubt.

7. Forgiveness Is A Hard Thing To Do

A fight is hard enough when you have to deal with the one issue at hand.

When you bring in unresolved issues and situations from years-gone-by, it’s almost impossible to find true resolution.

Bringing up past wrongs never lets your husband move past his mistakes and make a new name for himself.

It’s like telling Michael Jordan, “Yeah, you’re a pretty good basketball player now, but that doesn’t really matter. For a while back there, you really sucked. And that’s how I’m going to choose to remember you.”

A practical definition of forgiveness is: No longer holding past wrongs against someone.

It means that, even though they messed up, you choose not to use that information against them. You take the loss, and never try to get what is rightfully owed you.

That is not an easy thing for everyone, not just you.

But, being able to offer forgiveness is essential if you are going to change your marriage.

When you use all the past mistakes as ammunition against your husband, you once again start tearing down who he is as a person. You are using those past wrongs to define who he is. You are shaming him.

Your husband needs to know that, despite his mistakes, he is still going to be unconditionally accepted and appreciated. He needs to know that he is okay even when his behavior isn’t.

When your man knows he’s safe, he’ll turn the world upside down for you. He’ll live up to the full potential he has as a man. He’ll be the first one to admit when he is wrong, and then do everything in his power to change it.

He’ll finally be the man you want him to be.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll have the marriage you’ve always wanted.

One Last Thought

I know that your husband has hurt you in the past (or maybe just a few minutes ago).

If he feels safe enough and strong enough, he can also be the person who provides healing for you.

Give him the opportunity to try.

Don’t perpetually punish him. Don’t put him in the dog house. Don’t make him sleep on the couch. Don’t shut him out.

Be open and receptive to him, even while you’re hurt. Your softness will more than likely help him become softer towards you.

Someone’s got to go first. Why not chose to be that person.

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