Every time I watch Cesar Millan in any one of his multiple shows, I end up taking notes. Not because I have a dog to train (a few years back we lost our dog after 17 years) but because the principles of changing dogs and changing people are remarkably similar.
Here Are The 6 Things I Learned About Changing People From Cesar Millan
1. “We’re All A Work In Progress As Human Beings.”
This is something I have been telling my clients for the last 10 years. None of us ever “arrive” at being perfect. Life is about progress and growth and change. Sometimes we hit harder seasons, sometimes easier ones. It helps when we hold onto a mindset of learning and curiosity.
In one of his shows, Cesar says, “He (the dog) tells me his story, you (the owner) tell me your story. Then we put your stories together and we move on from there.” Your stories make up who you are. You continue to make new stories every day. When you’re intentional about catching your stories you can allow them to shape you. But then you move on. You are NOT who you were a year ago, or 5 years ago.
Cesar constantly says that dogs live in the moment. They don’t hold grudges or worry about what happened in the past. They are just here. Now. We as humans can do the exact same thing and truly enjoy who we are and where we’re at.
2. Rule, Boundaries, and Limitations
Dogs need rules, boundaries and limitations. Humans do too. Dogs have them imposed on them by attentive, competent owners. Humans learn to place them on themselves.
“When a dog has no limits, they don’t know how to relax.” Boundaries do the same things for humans. They allow you to let your guard down at the right time and in the right place. They help you become present and connected to your experiences around yourself in real time.
They did an interesting study with children on a play ground. They found that when there were no fences or lines, the kids were more anxious and less willing to simply play. But when they drew clear lines and told the kids that they could play anywhere in the designated area, the kids relaxed and enjoyed themselves. Knowing where your lines are means you don’t have to make things up as you go along. It means you know where you stand and what you believe, which makes you feel capable and strong and competent.
As children grow up, adults have to tell them ‘NO’ a lot. “No! You can’t stay up all night. No! You can’t have ice cream for breakfast. No! you can’t skip your homework.” But as kids grow up, instead of expecting parents to add discipline to their lives, they should become self-disciplined. Healthy adults learn how to say ‘NO’ for themselves. This makes it possible to achieve long term goals instead of settling for short term pleasure.
3. Dogs (and People) Aren’t A Mystery
Often I have new clients come into my office genuinely confused as to why-they-do-what-they-do or why-they-feel-what-they-feel. They believe that there is something strange or mysterious or “special” about their level of pain or woundedness. They feel alone and scared and isolated and overwhelmed.
I am given the opportunity to teach them that they are NOT alone and that the things they are thinking, feeling, and experiencing are actually pretty normal given their story and experiences. Your behavior makes senses, especially when you know what to look for.
In Cesar’s world, scared, anxious, and aggressive dogs make sense. He’s able to go back and clearly explain to the owners how their own behaviors, attitudes, and energy have created these feelings and behaviors in their beloved pets. He shows them a way out—a way of being different in order to help their dogs feels calm and submissive and happy.
The same thing can happen with you even if your’e feeling scared and overwhelmed. Your feelings are not a mystery and coming to understand why they are there will help you start to feel normal again. It is the beginning of real change that you’ll be able to see and measure as you move through the process of healing.
4. Body Posture Reinforces The Brain State
One of my favorite episodes was when Cesar was working with an especially timid and fearful dog along a busy city street. To help improve the mental state of the dog, Cesar tied one end of the leash to the dog’s tail in order to keep it in an upright position and to prevent it from moving between the dog’s rear legs into a posture of fear.
Your body and mind are also deeply connected. The position you sit in, the way you interact with others, the way you hold your head and your eyes and your hands and your mouth all reinforce your existing mental state. If you try to change your mind without addressing your body, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle.
It’s a balancing act between mind and body. Making small but essential changes to both your mental state as well as your physical state will allow you to grow and change and progress much more rapidly. You may not need to tie a leash to your tail, but you you can try other things, like this.
5. We’re All Energy & Body Language
It’s a common experience to walk into a room and to “feel” the tension in the room even though no one has outrightly said anything aggressive or confrontational. You may get a weird “vibe” or sense that that guy is creepy or skeezy in some way. Or you sit next to someone and you can feel their confidence and self assurance. You watch the singer or performer and just “know” that they are different or better than everyone else. They have that strange, undefinable “IT” factor that you just can’t put your finger on.
You pick up on signal through thousands of micro-expressions, body positions, and energy. Cesar spends most of his time on his shows explaining to people how their energy is affecting the attitude and energy in their dog. In fact, over and over, people say that Cesar is magic because he can just hold the leash of some out-of-control dog and they miraculously change into the most submissive, calm, wonderful animal. Cesar isn’t magic, he just has different energy.
In one episode, Cesar pointed out, “They removed him (the dog) [from the triggering event] but they didn’t help him recover all the way to the relaxed state.” Changing posture is helpful (#3 above), but it’s not enough. Being able to also change your energetic posture is also essential. Moving into a relaxed presence means that you’re going to heal and recover fully. It’s not enough to just look like you’re doing good on the outside. I want you to BE good on the inside as well.
Becoming aware of your energy will help you change. More importantly, learning when you’re reading or responding to other people’s energy will help you feel safer and more in control. Learning to TRUST yourself and your perceptions is also a critical step in feeling more confident and in control of your own life.
6. You Are Not Your Dysfunction
Cesar approaches dogs differently than their owners. The owner sees Fluffy as “a cute, rambunctious, snookums that just likes to playfully nip at people. She doesn’t really mean to hurt anyone and we don’t want to hurt poor little Fluffy’s feelings by scolding or discipling her. That might make her sad.”
Cesar sees the dog the exact opposite—Animal first, dog second, breed third, and then name or personality. Cesar understands that animals behave like animals. They don’t see the world like humans do and therefore shouldn’t be treated like humans. They should be treated respectfully and kindly like animals.
Some who come into my office have owned or allowed some diagnosis to become their identity. “I am a Bipolar” or “I am a Depressed person” or “I have an Anxiety Disorder or Eating Disorder or Abuse Victim or whatever.” Some person somewhere has given their collection of symptoms a label and they believe that this will define them for the rest of their lives.
Everyone who walks into my office has one thing in common—they are human beings first and foremost. They share the same planet as everyone else and therefore have to deal with the same struggles, difficulties, and joys that come along with being human. Their humanity is the first thing that needs to be dealt with. They need to be treated with respect and valued like every human deserves. They need to feel safe and accepted for who they are.
Eventually you’ll work your way down through the layers. You are more than your “issues” and they need to be considered in the context of your overall human experience. Not every case of sadness is depression. Not every person who experiences abuse has PTSD.
You are not your disorder. You are much more than that.
Dear Cesar…
Cesar, as you can see, I’m a fan and of your approach and your influence on other living creatures. I’ve never met you, but given the chance, I’d enjoy sitting down and having lunch with you to learn more about you and your unique story and not just the persona I and millions of others see on TV. I understand that, like every one of us, you’re also in process, growing and changing, trying and failing, risking and succeeding in between your own fears and insecurities. I’d like you to know that your approaches are appreciated, not just for the canine world, but for your influence on some of us humans as well.
Photo Credit: w1ld0n3 via Compfight cc