The last three weeks have not been the easiest weeks of my life. My reoccurring back problem has rendered me somewhat immobile (actually flat out on my back most of the day). All of my family members have all been more than gracious in helping me, and I am a man-most-fortunate to have such loving and helpful children and the worlds most long-suffering wife.
But there’s a catch.
I still need to get stuff done around the house. And having to tell someone how to do something is ten times harder than just doing it myself. For example… I needed a screwdriver from my toolbox in the garage to adjust something on my newly acquired wheelchair. So, I ask my son, Isaac, to “go get the screwdriver with the blue handle from the top drawer of my toolbox.”
Clear, direct instructions.
And he brings back a screwdriver with a blue handle from the top drawer of my toolbox. What I didn’t take into consideration is that I have NINE screwdrivers with blue handles—some flat blade, some philips, and some with exchangeable tips. What I had in MY mind was the one with the exchangeable tip so I could put a hex-head nut driver on there and fix the nut-and-bolt on my chair.
But I wasn’t clear enough with my son.
There’s Too Much To Communicate
My immobility has made me aware of the sheer amount of information necessary to communicate to another human being what it takes to get the simplest of tasks done—especially the way that I want them done (which is all about me being a control freak, but that’s a very different post).
The information I have in my head that works on auto-pilot whenever I get a task done sometimes just makes it easier to do things myself. But here’s the other catch…
If I continue to just do things myself (or WANT to do things but can’t) because I am too inconvenienced to communicate with my children (or wife) how to do things, I am handicapping them in the long run. They never will learn the essential skills of living and becoming self-sufficient.
Inappropriate Anger and Frustration
When my son goes all the way down to the garage, takes a few minutes to find the blue-handled screwdriver (because he’s now faced with nine different choices he didn’t know he was going to be faced with, and he doesn’t want to make the wrong decision), comes all the way upstairs, and finds out that he grabbed the wrong tool, my first reaction is to get frustrated with him (confirming or reinforcing his anxiety around making decisions when asked to do something).
In essence, what I’m doing is becoming frustrated with him and the fact that he hasn’t been able to read my mind and know EXACTLY what I want.
How utterly and completely unfair of me. How impatient and inappropriate of me to place those unrealistic expectations on my 12 year old son.
I am the person in the wrong, not him.
Let me say that again, as loudly and as strongly as I can…
I AM WRONG TO BECOME FRUSTRATED WITH MY SON BECAUSE HE CAN’T READ MY MIND.
As a parent, I’ll be the first to admit that it’s exhausting to teach my children HOW to do things. I have to keep explaining and clarifying and correcting and adding new information and demonstrating the correct way of doing things. And then I have to also wait while their young muscles learn HOW to use the screwdriver or hammer correctly without bending the nail every time. (Did I mention my same son and I made a small repair to our back deck that took five times longer to make because he was learning how to drive nails the right way? (A hammer’s not as easy as it looks when you first pick one up).
Gratefulness For Back Injuries
I HATE being incapacitated with a back injury. I hate it with every fiber of my being. But if this is what it takes to force me to learn how to be a better parent, I willing endure the pain and inconvenience of my affliction.
What I hope more is that you, parents and spouses that don’t have physical afflictions, will extend the necessary patience and grace to your loved ones and recognize that you can ALWAYS be a better communicator, even though it can be highly inconvenient at times.
And when they don’t get it just right (which will be often) you will look at yourself FIRST before accusing or critiquing their heart or ability.
May we all become more long-suffering with one another, filled with grace and understanding.